Wedding Hell

Weddings. Never been to one. I'm not sure if I want to. The people in the wedding party are stupid. They are snobs, they are drunk and they are assholes.

The whole idea of getting married is another political debate that I care nothing about BUT I will say that if I were getting married I wouldn't need the theatrics. If you truly love the person you are marrying you would get married to them wearing a towel and a cardboard box as your Vail. Granted, passersby might think you have an addiction problem and that box doubles as your home but screw them, you are living your love song.

People who go through the big nonsense are trying to overcompensate for their shitty husband, bitch of a wife and your illegitimate child/children attending your wedding and making a home in your womb. Unfortunately, I never deal with the happy in love people at work; I only deal with the asshole wedding parties.

Dumbass Bride

One night when I was still working at the office supply store, a bride runs over to the copy center in tears. She had 200 programs for her wedding that needed to be folded. One part was the paper insert and the other part was the heavy cardstock in which they needed to be inserted.

Dumbass Bride: I GOT THESE PRINTED UP AND THEY WEREN'T FOLDED! I NEED THESE FOLDED, MY WEDDING IS TOMORROW!

If you don't know anything about the weight of paper, let me break it down to you: The lower the weight, the lighter the paper. A regular piece of paper that you print on or is in a notebook is 20lb. Cardstock is anywhere between 65lbs and 80lbs. Paper does get heavier than that but most copy places only carry paper that falls in that range. The lighter the paper, the easier it is to fold, cut, etc.

She came in with 200 20lb inserts and 200 80lb covers. I can fold 200 20lb inserts in about 5 minutes. I can fold 200 80lb covers in about 3 1/2 hours. She came into the store at 7:30pm when we closed at 9pm.

Working Girl: I can fold the inserts no problem, I can probably only fold 50 of the covers. We close in a little over an hour.
Dumbass Bride: Whatever you can do. Thank You Thank You!

She left and I folded away, all of the inserts were folded instantly and between having to clean, help other customers and fold for her I got 63 of the covers done in an hour. She comes back in at 8:45.

Working Girl: Well here are your inserts, they are all done and I got more covers done than expected.
Dumbass Bride: The covers aren't folded. This isn't done.
Working Girl: Like I told you an hour ago, this wasn't going to be DONE but I did what I could in the amount of time I was given.
Dumbass Bride: I needed these all done. My wedding is TOMORROW.
Dumbass Bride's Maid of Honor: Her wedding is TOMORROW! These aren't done.
Working Girl: I GOT THAT. But you came in here an hour before the store closed. I stated to you clearly that this cannot be done in an hour.
Dumbass Bride's MOH: You need to give her her money back!
Working Girl: SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR ANYTHING.
Dumbass Bride: So the night before my wedding, I'm supposed to stay up all night and fold these myself!?!?!?
Working Girl (fed up): It's looking that way.

They gather their stuff, take it to customer service and demand a refund. She hands the customer service associate a receipt FROM ANOTHER STORE! Not only were her programs NOT printed in my store, she wanted a refund for something she didn't pay for!

Hopefully Dumbass Bride and the Dumbass Bride's Dumbass Maid of Honor didn't have to "stay up all night before the wedding" folding the covers and if they did, maybe this will be a learning experience for her 2nd, 3rd and 4th marriages.

Taking the Party out of Wedding Parties

Now this is pretty general. I haven't experienced a wedding party that was worse than the other, they are all bad. Wedding parties now consist of Frat Boys and Sorority Sluts who are only attending the wedding to get HAMMERED drunk. I see it every Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Their parents are just as bad and just as drunk.

I experienced a wedding party in the Summer of 2012 where all of the groomsmen parked in all of the handicapped spaces because they "don't see anyone handicapped around."

I had a wedding party a few years ago where the bride's bridesmaids and maid of honor waited until the day before the wedding to make hotel reservations and then were upset when they called to find out that the hotel was sold out and we wouldn't cancel other people's reservations.

I had a wedding party YESTERDAY that stood by the automatic door, complaining that it kept opening whenever they would move and therefore they would get cold while waiting for the shuttle that that bride and groom set up that was late to pick them up. They also kept asking the front desk when the shuttle that has no affiliation with the hotel was going to show up and copped an attitude when I told them the bride and groom set up a private shuttle.

Apparently when you attend a wedding or you are a part of a wedding your IQ drops significantly. I will not be attending a wedding anytime soon, I've got shit I need to accomplish.