I've only ever had two dreams in my life in regards to what I wanted to do as a career.
The first was to be a writer. I didn't care what I wrote about, but I wanted to write. The reason why I didn't care was because I've always felt I could write about anything. If I do enough research and learn as much about a topic as I possibly could, I would be able to write about it. I think it's important to not pigeonhole yourself into doing just one thing; but being able to do a lot of things.
In doing a lot of things you need to experience a lot of things. Things outside of your comfort zone. For the past month, I've experienced something so very far out of my comfort zone that every day I wake up with my heart beating faster than the day before.
A month ago I left my job at the hotel with no backup plan. It wasn't a surprise that I didn't like my job. It was never my dream, it was never my goal and it was never something that I wanted to aspire to. As much as I disliked it, I was great at my job. No one could fill my shoes and, as I've been told, no one has.
I remember a time when I loved going to work and as every day went by, that feeling was going away as well. It got to a point where the only thing that the hotel was doing for me was providing me with a paycheck. I've always wanted more than a paycheck from a job. I want satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness. The hotel was providing me with less than that.
I worked at a job and for a person who, for over five years, never provided employees benefits, lunch breaks, regular breaks, the money they deserved, support, security or the freedom to be different. It's a difficult thing to stomach when you want so much and get so little. It finally all came to a head for me when I realized that I wasn't taking any steps forward towards my goals. My friend, Banana, and I discussed this multiple times. We are both better than what we do and that job was doing nothing but holding us back.
The reason why I have a hard time sleeping and my heart beats faster every day is because of the fear of the unknown. I've worked (received a paycheck) steadily since I was 19-years-old. This is the first time where I'm not guaranteed a paycheck every two weeks and that's a scary thing for me. This is the first time that when I say "I'm going to work" it means that I go down stairs to my living room, make some tea and write freelance pieces. This is the first time that I can go nearly a week without leaving my house because I technically don't have anywhere to be. This is a completely different and scary situation for me.
Recently a trending topic on Twitter caught my eye, #AdviceForYoungJournalists, and I explored it deeply yesterday. I came across an article titled "39 Pieces of Advice for Journalists and Writers of Color" on Buzzfeed.com written back in July 2014. Aside from the advice being extremely helpful in regards to journalism, it was helpful to me in regards to the way I've been feeling. Instead of fearing the unknown, I should embrace it. I should embrace the fact that I'm not guaranteed a paycheck and work twice as hard to make one. I should embrace the fact that there is no hustle and bustle, alarm clocks or traffic to get to my office. I should embrace the fact that being at home makes me hungry to no longer be at home. But I should definitely embrace the fact that I no longer do something that I don't like doing.
I, in no way, am satisfied but I've reached my first goal. I am a writer. Whether it's freelance or a permanent position, I am a writer. It is what I do. It is how I make money. It is one of the only dreams I've ever had. I still want a permanent position at my favorite publications and websites, and I will continue to try to do whatever it takes to make it but I am that much closer to fulfilling my dreams, goals and aspirations by just taking one step forward.
Just in case you were wondering, that other dream I had was to be the Yellow Power Ranger.
