Men. A part of me thinks that you're ballsy for trying to come on to the front desk person at a hotel, the other part of me (like 75%) thinks that you're a creepy douche. The reasons are as follows:
1. It is my job to be nice to you. I don't actually care. Don't confuse my kindness with me "wanting the D."
2. I'm normally by myself. When you hit on me and I can't leave, it is creepy.
3. You offering me drinks and food only makes you look like Allan from The Hangover; you put a shit load of roofies in this didn't you?
Pale Prince
There was a guy who used to stay at the hotel on business and he was a smoker. Back when we used to have smoking rooms he would always stay in one of the rooms. He refused to stay if both of our smoking rooms were occupied. He reeked of smoke. He was short, skinny and probably in his late 40's to early 50's. He loved me. He would always talk to me for long periods of time and he made it a point to only check in on the days I was working during the time I was working.
One day he decided to get into the jacuzzi. In order to do that he would have to pass through the lobby. He came downstairs shirtless, with tight blue swim trunks and a pizza he had delivered.
Pale Prince: Do you wanna join me?
Working Girl: Excuse me?
Pale Prince: Would you like to join me in the jacuzzi? I've ordered a pizza for us to share.
Working Girl: Um...no.
Pale Prince: No? But why?
Working Girl: I can't and I don't want to. But thanks for the offer.
Pale Prince: Oh, okay.
He went to the jacuzzi for no more than 10 minutes and then he shuffled upstairs looking defeated. I didn't mean to break his little heart but c'mon. I'm currently at work, it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon, you're a guest at my job and you're at least 20 years my senior. The only pale, skinny, older guy I would follow into a jacuzzi would be Hugh Hefner because I'd assume he'd be leaving a trail of money behind him.
Baby Bachelor
I had only been working at the hotel for a few months when I got my first "regulars." It was a father and son duo. The father would come out here because he was enrolled in a medical school that was 99% online, but he would have to travel for exams. He oftentimes would bring his son. His son was very tall, very polite and actually kind of cute...once you got past the acne because he was 15! He was 15 and I have giant pornstar boobs, so he was apparently attracted to me. He and his father would of course share a room but he would be sent out when his father was studying. He just kind of wandered around on his own but mostly he would relax in the lobby.
I engaged in a few conversations with him until he asked me how old I was. After I told him that I was 20 and his response was "Oh, I'll be 20 in about 5 years," I had to shut it down. He was persistent and constantly spoke to me but he stopped coming when his dad graduated. He was 17 then. It's too bad though, just a few more months and...
BYOB
Whenever groups of guys hit on me it becomes a scene of the crime as opposed to a scene from the movies. Multiple guys together just don't think. I was an hour from getting off work one night when a group of four guys, who had been staying at the hotel, came in from dinner. Each of them over 6ft tall and 200lbs. They were BIG guys who needed some female attention. I just so happen to be the female in question. Right before I got off work I was talking to TT Y'all when two of the guys came down and brought me a cup of Rum and a coke.
Big & Tall: We have this great peach flavored rum in the room. We thought you might like to have some. We also brought down a coke for you.
Working Girl: Thanks but no thanks. I'm at work.
Big & Tall: But you're about to get off right? Just taste it to see how you like it and if you want more we have plenty in the room. Just come up and get some.
They then got on the elevator and went back upstairs to the room.
TT Y'all: What. The. Fuck!? Do they think you're just gonna be drinkin' that shit in here?
Working Girl: I don't even drink.
TT Y'all: Uh-uh. I'm pouring this out.
I understand the gesture. I appreciate it. Those guys could not have actually thought I was going to drink "alcohol" that they brought down from their room..in a cup..without a lid...or the bottle of alcohol itself. I don't think they were bad guys but you never know anyones intent. Giving me alcohol while I'm on the job is a no-no, inviting me up to your room is a no-no and telling me to "come up and get some" is a hell no-no.
Three's A Crowd
This was a first for me. I was working and I had a couple walk in to get a room. This was no different than my other bangers. They got a room to do their thing and then they would leave, right? Nope. This was different. When they checked in they asked if we had DVD players. I gave them one and they went on their way. Probably 30 minutes after they checked in the guy called down to the front desk to tell me the DVD player isn't working. I told him to come down and get a new one. He did and we switched them out. Then five minutes after that he called down complaining about the same thing. There is no way that all of our DVD players aren't working, it has to be something with them.
Against my better judgement, I went up to the room to help them. When they let me in, she had already slipped on lingerie and he was sitting on the couch in just a wife beater. I crouched down to see what was up and then I pressed play.
All of a sudden HARDCORE porn started playing on the TV.
Dude: Oh damn, my bad. That's just my movie, ya know.
Working Girl: It's okay. Well it's working now, so...
Dude: Yeah, um you wanna watch?
Working Girl: Wait, what!?
Dude: Well me and my girl about to you know, watch this and get into some things. If you wanna watch and maybe join in, we cool with that.
Working Girl: Kay...BYE!
I left as soon as possible. Should I have been flattered? Did he not know that I worked there and the uniform and name tag weren't apart of this freaky dress up fantasy? Not very many people can say that they've been asked to have a threesome while they were on the clock.
When you hit on someone while they are at work you may or may not get the results you're looking for. There's a possibility that they are completely into it and maybe even hope that you do say something. But the other side, the majority, thinks you're creepy. This goes for men, women and children. Do not hit on the person who is paid to be nice to you. It's called a work-face, and do not get punched in yours for being inappropriate.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Tips
I've known people to be able to live off the tips they receive. When I was in college I had a friend who was a Bottle Service Girl at a few clubs in San Francisco. Aside from the hilarious stories she would tell me about cheap and horny athletes/rappers, she also told me that she could pay her rent with just her tips alone. I wish I could've said the same but unfortunately people don't tip on 10 cent copies and the 30 seconds it takes to check them in.
Though it wasn't common I would still manage to get tips. I got way more tips than my coworkers and I never really knew why but they all came with a story.
Mr. Bronze
This guy was "one of those guys" who would get a room for a few hours, bang it out, and leave. He knew that we knew what he was doing so he tipped us. It almost seemed like it was hush money. Either way, he paid in all cash and all of the change was always our tip. He knew that he was going to tip us so he would overpay. If the room total was $149 he would pay $165 and tell us to keep the change. Due to the fact that I worked on the prime "banging days," I would see him alot. I always appreciated it because even after I'd buy dinner, I'd come home with more money than I went in with.
So Much Money
When I worked at the office supply store I once had a customer who needed me to type up a letter for him. He was one of those guys who had so much money that he didn't know what to do with it. He paid people to do menial tasks for him that he could easily do himself but just chose not to. It took me a total of five minutes to type his words on paper. He only needed one copy and he know I had to charge him a 'graphic design charge,' which is when the employee has to do anything with the document aside from copy it. His total probably near three dollars but before he left he told me he "left a little something" for me under the keyboard. After I finished ringing him up I went back over to the computer to see the $2 tip he probably left me. I was wrong. He added a zero to that number. He tipped me $20 on a $3 job. I was thinking that maybe he would realize his mistake and come back for it before the store closed. He never came back. That tip was the right amount and it actually was for me. I was surprised but I also felt bad at the same time. Did he really not know how to type up a short letter? Or was he just that much of a fat cat where he refused to do such a task like type up a letter? Either way, thanks for the $20 Bro!
Canadians, Ay!
There was a guy staying at the hotel and he had a couple of rooms. He was the coach of a high school aged Canadian basketball team. The boys had never been out of Canada before. It was their first time in America and the coach wanted to show them a good time. He asked me for suggestions about things to do other than just go sight seeing in San Francisco. Now there are three things that I love: Basketball, White Boys and Canada. I was happy to help. He took the boys out to dinner and I went to work. I printed out directions, a list of things to do and brochures to Great America, Dave & Buster's, the Pinball Museum and the schedule for local sporting events. I put it all together in an envelope and slipped it under the coach's door. They came back and I received a phone call from the coach thanking me soon after. I appreciated the fact that he appreciated my help and couldn't ask for anything more.
He then came downstairs and gave me an envelope. It contained $50 and $20 in Canadian money. I could not have been more pleased (unless they were passes to the set of Degrassi). He told me how much he really did appreciate me doing that and how good of a person I was...which is a great offset to "God, you're such a bitch."
That's Why They're My Favorites
My biggest tip came from my favorite guests, The Williams. It was December and after they checked in they went to get something to eat. They did this every month. This one time was different than any other because after they came back from eating, they approached me at the front desk.
Mrs. Williams: Give me your hand
Working Girl: Okay.
Mrs. Williams: Merry Christmas
I looked down in my hand to see that she slipped me $100. I told her I couldn't accept that and she refused to take it back. She repeated "Merry Christmas" over and over and went upstairs. They aren't my favorites because they gave me $100... but it does help.
Scary Cab Driver Man
I call cabs all day for guests. One day I called a cab for a few guests needing to go to San Francisco. It was a $75 cab fair and I just picked one of the thousands of cab drivers we have. It seems like that night I picked the right one because he came back in and tipped me for calling him. The reason why he was so scary was because he snuck in, made not a peep and just stood over me until I looked up. I then look up to see a man with a long beard and turban just staring down at me with no emotion on his face. After he handed me money and actually said something, my heart rate finally went down to normal level.
Starbucks
A lot of people are uncomfortable just giving people money so they tip in Starbucks gift cards. I was given a Starbucks gift card for making copies and calling cabs. The most memorable Starbucks tip was for just being me.
Similar to the Williams, I had another couple who came in for the antique show. It again was December and I checked in the Denkokos. They were also some of my favorite guests but were always kind of awkward. They never knew how to continue a conversation. Most of our conversations consisted of "Hello, how are you?" and then a awkward silence for 25 seconds or so. This one time they filled the awkward silence with a "Merry Christmas" and an envelope. The envelope contained a $25 Starbucks gift card. I was overwhelmed and surprised. It was the same night I dealt with the 15 blankets asshole and I was just feeling shitty in general. Their generosity made me tear up a little bit because it really turned my night around.
Though it wasn't common I would still manage to get tips. I got way more tips than my coworkers and I never really knew why but they all came with a story.
Mr. Bronze
This guy was "one of those guys" who would get a room for a few hours, bang it out, and leave. He knew that we knew what he was doing so he tipped us. It almost seemed like it was hush money. Either way, he paid in all cash and all of the change was always our tip. He knew that he was going to tip us so he would overpay. If the room total was $149 he would pay $165 and tell us to keep the change. Due to the fact that I worked on the prime "banging days," I would see him alot. I always appreciated it because even after I'd buy dinner, I'd come home with more money than I went in with.
So Much Money
When I worked at the office supply store I once had a customer who needed me to type up a letter for him. He was one of those guys who had so much money that he didn't know what to do with it. He paid people to do menial tasks for him that he could easily do himself but just chose not to. It took me a total of five minutes to type his words on paper. He only needed one copy and he know I had to charge him a 'graphic design charge,' which is when the employee has to do anything with the document aside from copy it. His total probably near three dollars but before he left he told me he "left a little something" for me under the keyboard. After I finished ringing him up I went back over to the computer to see the $2 tip he probably left me. I was wrong. He added a zero to that number. He tipped me $20 on a $3 job. I was thinking that maybe he would realize his mistake and come back for it before the store closed. He never came back. That tip was the right amount and it actually was for me. I was surprised but I also felt bad at the same time. Did he really not know how to type up a short letter? Or was he just that much of a fat cat where he refused to do such a task like type up a letter? Either way, thanks for the $20 Bro!
Canadians, Ay!
There was a guy staying at the hotel and he had a couple of rooms. He was the coach of a high school aged Canadian basketball team. The boys had never been out of Canada before. It was their first time in America and the coach wanted to show them a good time. He asked me for suggestions about things to do other than just go sight seeing in San Francisco. Now there are three things that I love: Basketball, White Boys and Canada. I was happy to help. He took the boys out to dinner and I went to work. I printed out directions, a list of things to do and brochures to Great America, Dave & Buster's, the Pinball Museum and the schedule for local sporting events. I put it all together in an envelope and slipped it under the coach's door. They came back and I received a phone call from the coach thanking me soon after. I appreciated the fact that he appreciated my help and couldn't ask for anything more.
He then came downstairs and gave me an envelope. It contained $50 and $20 in Canadian money. I could not have been more pleased (unless they were passes to the set of Degrassi). He told me how much he really did appreciate me doing that and how good of a person I was...which is a great offset to "God, you're such a bitch."
That's Why They're My Favorites
My biggest tip came from my favorite guests, The Williams. It was December and after they checked in they went to get something to eat. They did this every month. This one time was different than any other because after they came back from eating, they approached me at the front desk.
Mrs. Williams: Give me your hand
Working Girl: Okay.
Mrs. Williams: Merry Christmas
I looked down in my hand to see that she slipped me $100. I told her I couldn't accept that and she refused to take it back. She repeated "Merry Christmas" over and over and went upstairs. They aren't my favorites because they gave me $100... but it does help.
Scary Cab Driver Man
I call cabs all day for guests. One day I called a cab for a few guests needing to go to San Francisco. It was a $75 cab fair and I just picked one of the thousands of cab drivers we have. It seems like that night I picked the right one because he came back in and tipped me for calling him. The reason why he was so scary was because he snuck in, made not a peep and just stood over me until I looked up. I then look up to see a man with a long beard and turban just staring down at me with no emotion on his face. After he handed me money and actually said something, my heart rate finally went down to normal level.
Starbucks
A lot of people are uncomfortable just giving people money so they tip in Starbucks gift cards. I was given a Starbucks gift card for making copies and calling cabs. The most memorable Starbucks tip was for just being me.
Similar to the Williams, I had another couple who came in for the antique show. It again was December and I checked in the Denkokos. They were also some of my favorite guests but were always kind of awkward. They never knew how to continue a conversation. Most of our conversations consisted of "Hello, how are you?" and then a awkward silence for 25 seconds or so. This one time they filled the awkward silence with a "Merry Christmas" and an envelope. The envelope contained a $25 Starbucks gift card. I was overwhelmed and surprised. It was the same night I dealt with the 15 blankets asshole and I was just feeling shitty in general. Their generosity made me tear up a little bit because it really turned my night around.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Perks: Writing
Nothing makes me happier than writing. I've always loved it and therefore the entire thing is a perk for me. Some people can dance and paint but I can write. I can put my thoughts on paper (or online) and convey who I am by making people laugh and maybe even pissing people off, both things I like doing.
The only negative part of writing for me is that no one will hire me. That's not true, I'm sure someone will, but being so young I don't want to settle. I've watched my friends settle on their jobs and boyfriends and I refuse to be unhappy like they are.
Though I'm not formally being paid to write, I have held a lot of writing positions in my life. I was first published when I was 11 but was given praise for my writing since I was 7. Each venture into writing has created an experience for me like no other and therefore I've been given some great perks.
Young Writer (Ages 7-13)
The best perk about being so young and being a good a writer is that you get to hear that on a constant basis. Nothing feels better than people loving me as much as I love me or people being as proud of me as I am of myself.
It's given me a lot of bragging rights when I get to say that I was published at such a young age or I received the highest writing score in what have you. But the best part about it was that it gave me a confidence that I wasn't getting anywhere else. It gave me confidence so early on that all I wanted to do was hone my skills and craft, I love it.
Angsty Writer Ages (14-18)
I was in high school and all I did was mope around and be depressed. So I wrote things down but never in diary form. I was able to convey how unhappy I was but do it where I wasn't whining. Even my darkest writing and most "sensitive" pieces were all well written stuff. Even when it wasn't a song or poem or short story I was writing, I still was able to convey my exact feelings about somethings with enough of a biting attitude but yet still being intelligent about it.
When I was in high school I wrote for the yearbook. It was one of those courses that I took because I had nothing else to take. I ended up loving that class. Outside of being surrounded by some really great people, who were just as mean and hilarious as I was, I got to take a nugget of shit and turn it into gold. That nugget of shit was high school. My high school wasn't great in any sense. For every very smart student there were 5 kids who should be forced by law to wear a helmet every day. The sports teams that anyone ever gave a shit about were absolutely awful (although I heard Badminton had big shit going on.) To top it all off the teaching staff was...what it was. There were some GREAT teachers and then there were the others. The others also included any administrative staff (Principals, Secretaries, etc.) they were terrible.
The biggest challenge during my entire writing "career" was trying to make our high school even sound interesting. Charles Barkley likes to use the metaphor of "You can have the prettiest girl in the world but it doesn't really make a difference if she's pretty when she's dumb." I had to try to hide the fact that even though our high school was pretty, it was dumb as rocks. I did this through my writing.
The other perk of working on the yearbook was getting to pick and choose who was going to be in the yearbook. That was a perk for all of us. Obviously every student gets one picture in the yearbook but we got to choose whether or not that would be their only time to shine.
There was a group of underclassmen girls who were, for lack of a better term, huge sluts. They skanked it up so much it brought the entire reputation of the school down, which I didn't even think was a possibility. A friend of mine, Star Jones, was actually friends with the whores and took a picture of them eating lunch. His entire spread featured students during lunchtime with the captions "This student enjoying...," or "Students eating..." Star Jones took the one picture of the Bang Bang Club and listed their first and last names and what they were doing. A few of my fellow yearbook staffers saw that, we were disgusted, and we changed it. We deleted all of their names and replaced it with "A group of whores..." then we changed the word whores to students. I personally thinks 'whores' was a much better fit but you can't always get what you want.
Obviously power was a big perk in being on the yearbook staff. We all had power to basically do whatever we wanted to do. This power was handed to us, literally. We were given cards for the entire year that said we could leave campus on "official yearbook duties" which really only meant LONG OFF CAMPUS LUNCHES! If we had nothing to do we wandered around school and for those of us with cars, we left to get the good food out of town. The passes also gave us permission to be in places that we weren't supposed to be.
There was a "hot teacher" that was giving all of the boys a chubby on a daily basis. I had never seen her.
Zeus: You've never seen my wife? How?
Working Girl: I don't have her this year. I don't even know where her classroom is.
Zeus, who was not in yearbook class but yet had perfect attendance, got a camera and told me we were going upstairs to take pictures of her class. We did exactly that, I wanted to see why she was such hot stuff so we made up a story about us needing to take pictures of students in the classroom and her classroom was chosen. I stood there with a camera taking pictures of the students just so that I could see what all the fuss was about. Not only was I not really taking pictures, the camera wasn't even on.
Freedom, Power and getting people to believe your bullshit. It's basically what America runs on.
Adult Writer (Ages 18-Now)
Being an adult is hard. Being a writer is hard. Being a college graduate with a journalism degree who wants nothing more than to write but her work experience is hindering her is even harder. I loved writing in college. I enjoyed contributing to the newspaper and I liked writing about subjects that were more controversial. The only thing I have to do now is put the degree to good use. I love writing on my blog and I love when I get feedback from people. I greatly appreciate it, be it negative or positive, and I love responding back (especially the people who say something negative so I can put them in their place...D-Bags.) I can now look back and say that I am satisfied with my writing history and what I've learned from it. That is the biggest perk of them all, being happy and satisfied with who I am and what I do. Now I just need some publication to give me another perk (normally in the form of a check.)
The only negative part of writing for me is that no one will hire me. That's not true, I'm sure someone will, but being so young I don't want to settle. I've watched my friends settle on their jobs and boyfriends and I refuse to be unhappy like they are.
Though I'm not formally being paid to write, I have held a lot of writing positions in my life. I was first published when I was 11 but was given praise for my writing since I was 7. Each venture into writing has created an experience for me like no other and therefore I've been given some great perks.
Young Writer (Ages 7-13)
The best perk about being so young and being a good a writer is that you get to hear that on a constant basis. Nothing feels better than people loving me as much as I love me or people being as proud of me as I am of myself.
It's given me a lot of bragging rights when I get to say that I was published at such a young age or I received the highest writing score in what have you. But the best part about it was that it gave me a confidence that I wasn't getting anywhere else. It gave me confidence so early on that all I wanted to do was hone my skills and craft, I love it.
Angsty Writer Ages (14-18)
I was in high school and all I did was mope around and be depressed. So I wrote things down but never in diary form. I was able to convey how unhappy I was but do it where I wasn't whining. Even my darkest writing and most "sensitive" pieces were all well written stuff. Even when it wasn't a song or poem or short story I was writing, I still was able to convey my exact feelings about somethings with enough of a biting attitude but yet still being intelligent about it.
When I was in high school I wrote for the yearbook. It was one of those courses that I took because I had nothing else to take. I ended up loving that class. Outside of being surrounded by some really great people, who were just as mean and hilarious as I was, I got to take a nugget of shit and turn it into gold. That nugget of shit was high school. My high school wasn't great in any sense. For every very smart student there were 5 kids who should be forced by law to wear a helmet every day. The sports teams that anyone ever gave a shit about were absolutely awful (although I heard Badminton had big shit going on.) To top it all off the teaching staff was...what it was. There were some GREAT teachers and then there were the others. The others also included any administrative staff (Principals, Secretaries, etc.) they were terrible.
The biggest challenge during my entire writing "career" was trying to make our high school even sound interesting. Charles Barkley likes to use the metaphor of "You can have the prettiest girl in the world but it doesn't really make a difference if she's pretty when she's dumb." I had to try to hide the fact that even though our high school was pretty, it was dumb as rocks. I did this through my writing.
The other perk of working on the yearbook was getting to pick and choose who was going to be in the yearbook. That was a perk for all of us. Obviously every student gets one picture in the yearbook but we got to choose whether or not that would be their only time to shine.
There was a group of underclassmen girls who were, for lack of a better term, huge sluts. They skanked it up so much it brought the entire reputation of the school down, which I didn't even think was a possibility. A friend of mine, Star Jones, was actually friends with the whores and took a picture of them eating lunch. His entire spread featured students during lunchtime with the captions "This student enjoying...," or "Students eating..." Star Jones took the one picture of the Bang Bang Club and listed their first and last names and what they were doing. A few of my fellow yearbook staffers saw that, we were disgusted, and we changed it. We deleted all of their names and replaced it with "A group of whores..." then we changed the word whores to students. I personally thinks 'whores' was a much better fit but you can't always get what you want.
Obviously power was a big perk in being on the yearbook staff. We all had power to basically do whatever we wanted to do. This power was handed to us, literally. We were given cards for the entire year that said we could leave campus on "official yearbook duties" which really only meant LONG OFF CAMPUS LUNCHES! If we had nothing to do we wandered around school and for those of us with cars, we left to get the good food out of town. The passes also gave us permission to be in places that we weren't supposed to be.
There was a "hot teacher" that was giving all of the boys a chubby on a daily basis. I had never seen her.
Zeus: You've never seen my wife? How?
Working Girl: I don't have her this year. I don't even know where her classroom is.
Zeus, who was not in yearbook class but yet had perfect attendance, got a camera and told me we were going upstairs to take pictures of her class. We did exactly that, I wanted to see why she was such hot stuff so we made up a story about us needing to take pictures of students in the classroom and her classroom was chosen. I stood there with a camera taking pictures of the students just so that I could see what all the fuss was about. Not only was I not really taking pictures, the camera wasn't even on.
Freedom, Power and getting people to believe your bullshit. It's basically what America runs on.
Adult Writer (Ages 18-Now)
Being an adult is hard. Being a writer is hard. Being a college graduate with a journalism degree who wants nothing more than to write but her work experience is hindering her is even harder. I loved writing in college. I enjoyed contributing to the newspaper and I liked writing about subjects that were more controversial. The only thing I have to do now is put the degree to good use. I love writing on my blog and I love when I get feedback from people. I greatly appreciate it, be it negative or positive, and I love responding back (especially the people who say something negative so I can put them in their place...D-Bags.) I can now look back and say that I am satisfied with my writing history and what I've learned from it. That is the biggest perk of them all, being happy and satisfied with who I am and what I do. Now I just need some publication to give me another perk (normally in the form of a check.)
Friday, April 19, 2013
Perks: Hotel
I've already talked about the perks of the office supply store and now I get to talk about the perks of working for a hotel. I have to say this took some thinking because there aren't too many perks in working for a hotel. You have to look for your own perks and make the entire experience worthwhile...and dammit I am too old for this Easter Egg Hunt.
Discounts
Obviously working for a hotel means that when you travel you get an employee discount at other hotels. The problem here is that if you work for a hotel that isn't well known or a hotel with very few locations, you aren't getting a discount.
I just so happen to work for a hotel under a very large brand. The brand has 3 tiers:
1. First Tier (Exclusively named after the brand)
2. Second Tier (Has its own name that also includes the brand)
3. Third Tier (The brand name is nowhere in the main hotel name because most likely it is closer in similarity to a motel)
For every First and Second Tier hotel, there are 150 Third Tier hotels. When you go on vacation you don't really want to stay in a dumpy hotel/motel. I have only been able to find two hotels in my hotel chain to stay in that aren't in the third tier. I have been working in hospitality for nearly four years and have needed to stay in a hotel at least twice a year. That ratio is ridiculous.
When I have stayed in the two hotels, they were both very nice and I paid less than $100 each night for rooms that run for well over $100 each night due to my employee discount.
It is what it is.
FREE
There is no better word than free. I especially love it because I'm cheap. I'm not "frugal," "money-minded," or a "saver." I am cheap as shit. I hate to spend money and it just so happens that when you work for a hotel, different companies give you free stuff so that they can get discounts.
I have a thermos from, what seems like, every construction/engineering/software company in the Bay Area. I love them. They keep my tea so hot that it burns my tongue and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I order Chinese food for our dinner at the hotel I always get a free lunch from the restaurant. I like Chinese food, specifically chicken fried rice, and she throws a Snapple in there for me. Bitch knows what's up.
Outside of that, I've gotten wine, coffee makers, gift certificates and skillets. I am the best gift giver at weddings and house warming parties.
Knowledge
This is probably the best perk of them all. I know exactly how to travel without going anywhere. I've gotten so many lessons in what not to do that I am now the smartest traveler. I know what to look for, I know how much to pay, I know the uncommon discounts, and I know not to ever book a hotel through a third party website (oh this will definitely be its own post).
I'm sure there are plenty more perks in working for a hotel, each hotel is different and therefore it brings a different culture and aspect to each employee working there. Hospitality is actually a very great career if you have patience but mine is definitely tested on a constant basis... and that shit is getting old.
Discounts
Obviously working for a hotel means that when you travel you get an employee discount at other hotels. The problem here is that if you work for a hotel that isn't well known or a hotel with very few locations, you aren't getting a discount.
I just so happen to work for a hotel under a very large brand. The brand has 3 tiers:
1. First Tier (Exclusively named after the brand)
2. Second Tier (Has its own name that also includes the brand)
3. Third Tier (The brand name is nowhere in the main hotel name because most likely it is closer in similarity to a motel)
For every First and Second Tier hotel, there are 150 Third Tier hotels. When you go on vacation you don't really want to stay in a dumpy hotel/motel. I have only been able to find two hotels in my hotel chain to stay in that aren't in the third tier. I have been working in hospitality for nearly four years and have needed to stay in a hotel at least twice a year. That ratio is ridiculous.
When I have stayed in the two hotels, they were both very nice and I paid less than $100 each night for rooms that run for well over $100 each night due to my employee discount.
It is what it is.
FREE
There is no better word than free. I especially love it because I'm cheap. I'm not "frugal," "money-minded," or a "saver." I am cheap as shit. I hate to spend money and it just so happens that when you work for a hotel, different companies give you free stuff so that they can get discounts.
I have a thermos from, what seems like, every construction/engineering/software company in the Bay Area. I love them. They keep my tea so hot that it burns my tongue and I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I order Chinese food for our dinner at the hotel I always get a free lunch from the restaurant. I like Chinese food, specifically chicken fried rice, and she throws a Snapple in there for me. Bitch knows what's up.
Outside of that, I've gotten wine, coffee makers, gift certificates and skillets. I am the best gift giver at weddings and house warming parties.
Knowledge
This is probably the best perk of them all. I know exactly how to travel without going anywhere. I've gotten so many lessons in what not to do that I am now the smartest traveler. I know what to look for, I know how much to pay, I know the uncommon discounts, and I know not to ever book a hotel through a third party website (oh this will definitely be its own post).
I'm sure there are plenty more perks in working for a hotel, each hotel is different and therefore it brings a different culture and aspect to each employee working there. Hospitality is actually a very great career if you have patience but mine is definitely tested on a constant basis... and that shit is getting old.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Perks: Office Supply Store
As much bitching as I do, I did love working at the office supply store. There were some nice perks that came along with working there that I couldn't get working anywhere else.
Discount
The office supply store was one of many stores in the mall. Whenever anything new opened up in the mall, the employees were obviously the first ones to hear about it. Most places that opened up had a preview day for only employees of the mall.
When Jamba Juice opened up they didn't only give a discount, they gave us free drinks for the day. There was a cap on the amount of drinks that each store could get but it was still pretty cool. My manager told me to go get drinks for the crew from the newly opened Jamba Juice in which I replied:
"What's Jamba Juice?"
I didn't know what Jamba Juice was or what it served. I was later informed that they sold smoothies which is something else, in the 19 years of my life, I had never tried. I went over there and lost my smoothie virginity (all other virginity's still in tact by the way) and it was quite the disappointment, which is the same way my friends felt when they lost their actual virginity.
I'm just not a smoothie person but just a few short months later I became hip to their Chunky Strawberry Topper. I instantly fell in love.
Another new store that came to town was Chipotle. Chipotle wasn't handing out free burritos but we did get a discount for ordering from there. Once we heard about the discount Chipotle became our breakfast, brunch, lunch, snack and dinner go to at the office supply store. We ordered so often that they gave us a stack of order sheets and their fax number so that we could just do an easy pick up.
When I quit the store I gave up the perks but they will never be forgotten.
In-Store Perks
Employees get discounts. It should be in the Constitution. The office supply store gave the worst discounts I've ever seen in retail. The percentage off of the price for employees was laughable. There were three categories to discounts:
Electronics/Big Ticket Items = 5% Off
School Supplies = 10% Off
Candy/Soda = 15% Off
I almost never used my discount, none of us did. Our discount barely covered the taxes on the purchase so we had to create our own perks.
One perk was during the Christmas season when we got in all of the really good merchandise. The closing crew the night before we had to display all of our Christmas items and discounts, got to get what they wanted first. We each were given a hand basket or shopping cart that we were allowed to fill up and purchase at a later date. It had to be held for us. Even if customers saw our carts tucked away they still couldn't purchase the item that we were out of on the shelves. It was a great perk and it made for great Christmas gifts.
My favorite perk became my favorite perk because I was in college. PRINTING. I had a terrible printer at home that seemed to eat the ink rather than use it. I got tired of buying ink so I'd print out all of my reports at work. Our manager said it was fine depending on the number of copies we had to make. Obviously if we were making hundreds of copies we would have to pay for them but between 5-10 prints/copies was really no big deal.
I was even able to save money because of it. It got to a point when I was in college that I just stopped buying textbooks. I would purchase them and then never even crack open the seal. I'd end up losing money just to try to sell it or return it. There was always one over achiever in the class who let me borrow their book so I would take it and copy the pages needed based off of the syllabus. I could also bind the book the book the way I wanted to because I worked there. I was probably the only college student that spent less than $200 on books during four years of school.
Of course the biggest perk was gaining the knowledge and friendship that I did during that time but that shit is just way too sappy for me to write about.
Discount
The office supply store was one of many stores in the mall. Whenever anything new opened up in the mall, the employees were obviously the first ones to hear about it. Most places that opened up had a preview day for only employees of the mall.
When Jamba Juice opened up they didn't only give a discount, they gave us free drinks for the day. There was a cap on the amount of drinks that each store could get but it was still pretty cool. My manager told me to go get drinks for the crew from the newly opened Jamba Juice in which I replied:
"What's Jamba Juice?"
I didn't know what Jamba Juice was or what it served. I was later informed that they sold smoothies which is something else, in the 19 years of my life, I had never tried. I went over there and lost my smoothie virginity (all other virginity's still in tact by the way) and it was quite the disappointment, which is the same way my friends felt when they lost their actual virginity.
I'm just not a smoothie person but just a few short months later I became hip to their Chunky Strawberry Topper. I instantly fell in love.
Another new store that came to town was Chipotle. Chipotle wasn't handing out free burritos but we did get a discount for ordering from there. Once we heard about the discount Chipotle became our breakfast, brunch, lunch, snack and dinner go to at the office supply store. We ordered so often that they gave us a stack of order sheets and their fax number so that we could just do an easy pick up.
When I quit the store I gave up the perks but they will never be forgotten.
In-Store Perks
Employees get discounts. It should be in the Constitution. The office supply store gave the worst discounts I've ever seen in retail. The percentage off of the price for employees was laughable. There were three categories to discounts:
Electronics/Big Ticket Items = 5% Off
School Supplies = 10% Off
Candy/Soda = 15% Off
I almost never used my discount, none of us did. Our discount barely covered the taxes on the purchase so we had to create our own perks.
One perk was during the Christmas season when we got in all of the really good merchandise. The closing crew the night before we had to display all of our Christmas items and discounts, got to get what they wanted first. We each were given a hand basket or shopping cart that we were allowed to fill up and purchase at a later date. It had to be held for us. Even if customers saw our carts tucked away they still couldn't purchase the item that we were out of on the shelves. It was a great perk and it made for great Christmas gifts.
My favorite perk became my favorite perk because I was in college. PRINTING. I had a terrible printer at home that seemed to eat the ink rather than use it. I got tired of buying ink so I'd print out all of my reports at work. Our manager said it was fine depending on the number of copies we had to make. Obviously if we were making hundreds of copies we would have to pay for them but between 5-10 prints/copies was really no big deal.
I was even able to save money because of it. It got to a point when I was in college that I just stopped buying textbooks. I would purchase them and then never even crack open the seal. I'd end up losing money just to try to sell it or return it. There was always one over achiever in the class who let me borrow their book so I would take it and copy the pages needed based off of the syllabus. I could also bind the book the book the way I wanted to because I worked there. I was probably the only college student that spent less than $200 on books during four years of school.
Of course the biggest perk was gaining the knowledge and friendship that I did during that time but that shit is just way too sappy for me to write about.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Smokers
According to a 2010 poll by the Center for Disease Control, nearly 20% of adults in the United States smoke. This only includes people who smoke cigarettes and people who were over the age of 18 at the time, the number has probably increased. I have nothing against people who smoke, I personally do not smoke and I never have, my problem is smokers who lie about smoking but yet cannot control themselves to not smoke.
The hotel is non-smoking which means don't smoke in the hotel. People choose to ignore that and when they get charged for smoking they put up a front as if they've never even heard of the concept of smoking.
Europeans Smoke
I have a lot of friends from Europe and the one thing I've noticed about them is that 65% of them smoke or have smoked before. I had a European woman come and tell me that she didn't smoke in the room.
Euro: I have a charge on my card for 100 dollars. What for?
Working Girl: It's a smoking charge because you smoked in the room.
Euro: Nooooooooo. I do not smoke. We do not smoke. Never in my life have I smoked.
She is saying all of this to me while she smells like a freshly lit cigarette. The smoke was coming out of her pores it was that strong.
Evidence
People who smoke cigarettes and lie to me are better at weaseling their way out of the situation because they aren't under the influence of anything. Potheads...they just don't get it.
I had a couple who I sold a Romance Package to and they went in the room, got down with get down and smoked weed. The next day they came to the front desk saying that they don't smoke. My front desk agent was so enraged by their lie that she went to their room and came back to the front desk to show them the marijuana that they left in the room.
FDA: What is that?
Woman: I don't know what that is.
FDA: It's the weed you smoked in the room. You left it there.
Woman: Are you kidding me? There's no way that we left that because we don't smoke weed.
Now this is when the story gets funny. The girl apparently sobered up enough to argue the charge but then her man, who was high as a kite, decided to help her in the argument by spouting off information that really only a pothead could think of.
Homeboy: Miss there's no way that's marijuana, I don't smoke marijuana. I can't smoke marijuana because I'm diabetic. I can show you my papers.
Working Girl: Papers?
Homeboy: Yeah, papers about my diabetes. They say I can't smoke marijuana. So that weed smell in the room can't be because I smoked weed because I am diabetic.
That's when she grabbed homeboy's hand and said "let's go."
History
There was a girl who I went to high school with and she smoked in the room. She was charged, called the hotel and fought the charge claiming to not smoke. Ever. I knew she smoked because I'VE SEEN HER SMOKE BEFORE. She was one of the biggest potheads in my high school and for her to tell me that she's never smoked anything in her life enraged me. I just wanted to scream that I knew who she was, what she did and that she is in fact a smoker. The only thing I didn't know about her was that she was now a big giant lesbian but I was 100% sure that she smoked in the room. It took every bit of strength in me to not say "Bitch, forreal!?" and tell her that I knew her but instead she continued to argue with me about never having smoked a thing in her life. I believed her when she said she had a girlfriend but not when she said she didn't smoke. No Ma'am.
Excuses
Here's a little lesson: if you do smoke in a non-smoking hotel, just admit to it. Your charge will be decreased, but if you take time out of my day to argue that you didn't do something that you in fact did, I will not hesitate to charge you the full $250 dollar smoking fee.
I spoke to a guy on the phone yesterday who admitted to smoking. He was too busy talking to let me tell him that because of his confession, he would only be charged $50.
Pothead: Yes Ma'am I really am sorry that I smoked in the room, I didn't know. See it was really late when I checked in and I was fatigued, I didn't know this was a non smoking hotel.
Working Girl: You know when you check in you sign a piece of paper that says we are allowed to charge you $250 for smoking, right?
Pothead: I'm sure I did but like I said I was fatigued and I really didn't see any signs or paperwork. Plus it was just a little bit of weed, it's not like you have to remodel or nothin'. I feel like as a guest I'm not being treated right. I feel it should be let go because I was unaware. It's a real inconvenience to me I feel, and it's also kind of a set up because I wasn't told that and also it's racist.
I immediately started laughing. It's racist? Against smokers? It's a set up? Do we put weed and lighters in the non-smoking rooms? Due to the fact that he admitted it I was already going to only charge him $50 but at least he gave me something to laugh about and another story to tell.
The hotel is non-smoking which means don't smoke in the hotel. People choose to ignore that and when they get charged for smoking they put up a front as if they've never even heard of the concept of smoking.
Europeans Smoke
I have a lot of friends from Europe and the one thing I've noticed about them is that 65% of them smoke or have smoked before. I had a European woman come and tell me that she didn't smoke in the room.
Euro: I have a charge on my card for 100 dollars. What for?
Working Girl: It's a smoking charge because you smoked in the room.
Euro: Nooooooooo. I do not smoke. We do not smoke. Never in my life have I smoked.
She is saying all of this to me while she smells like a freshly lit cigarette. The smoke was coming out of her pores it was that strong.
Evidence
People who smoke cigarettes and lie to me are better at weaseling their way out of the situation because they aren't under the influence of anything. Potheads...they just don't get it.
I had a couple who I sold a Romance Package to and they went in the room, got down with get down and smoked weed. The next day they came to the front desk saying that they don't smoke. My front desk agent was so enraged by their lie that she went to their room and came back to the front desk to show them the marijuana that they left in the room.
FDA: What is that?
Woman: I don't know what that is.
FDA: It's the weed you smoked in the room. You left it there.
Woman: Are you kidding me? There's no way that we left that because we don't smoke weed.
Now this is when the story gets funny. The girl apparently sobered up enough to argue the charge but then her man, who was high as a kite, decided to help her in the argument by spouting off information that really only a pothead could think of.
Homeboy: Miss there's no way that's marijuana, I don't smoke marijuana. I can't smoke marijuana because I'm diabetic. I can show you my papers.
Working Girl: Papers?
Homeboy: Yeah, papers about my diabetes. They say I can't smoke marijuana. So that weed smell in the room can't be because I smoked weed because I am diabetic.
That's when she grabbed homeboy's hand and said "let's go."
History
There was a girl who I went to high school with and she smoked in the room. She was charged, called the hotel and fought the charge claiming to not smoke. Ever. I knew she smoked because I'VE SEEN HER SMOKE BEFORE. She was one of the biggest potheads in my high school and for her to tell me that she's never smoked anything in her life enraged me. I just wanted to scream that I knew who she was, what she did and that she is in fact a smoker. The only thing I didn't know about her was that she was now a big giant lesbian but I was 100% sure that she smoked in the room. It took every bit of strength in me to not say "Bitch, forreal!?" and tell her that I knew her but instead she continued to argue with me about never having smoked a thing in her life. I believed her when she said she had a girlfriend but not when she said she didn't smoke. No Ma'am.
Excuses
Here's a little lesson: if you do smoke in a non-smoking hotel, just admit to it. Your charge will be decreased, but if you take time out of my day to argue that you didn't do something that you in fact did, I will not hesitate to charge you the full $250 dollar smoking fee.
I spoke to a guy on the phone yesterday who admitted to smoking. He was too busy talking to let me tell him that because of his confession, he would only be charged $50.
Pothead: Yes Ma'am I really am sorry that I smoked in the room, I didn't know. See it was really late when I checked in and I was fatigued, I didn't know this was a non smoking hotel.
Working Girl: You know when you check in you sign a piece of paper that says we are allowed to charge you $250 for smoking, right?
Pothead: I'm sure I did but like I said I was fatigued and I really didn't see any signs or paperwork. Plus it was just a little bit of weed, it's not like you have to remodel or nothin'. I feel like as a guest I'm not being treated right. I feel it should be let go because I was unaware. It's a real inconvenience to me I feel, and it's also kind of a set up because I wasn't told that and also it's racist.
I immediately started laughing. It's racist? Against smokers? It's a set up? Do we put weed and lighters in the non-smoking rooms? Due to the fact that he admitted it I was already going to only charge him $50 but at least he gave me something to laugh about and another story to tell.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Was That Not Obvious?
This is similar to the "Ain't Nobody Got Time For That" post because it's about short interactions with customers that leave you asking the question: Was that not obvious?
What I mean by this is that at my previous jobs and current job, my coworkers and I have been asked questions that people either answer themselves or questions that we feel should not even be acknowledged.
Breakfast Time
This happens a lot at the hotel. We give a little speech to anyone that asks about information and anyone who checks in. We all have different variations of the speech but in the end it's just a speech that tells the guests what the amenities are. My version of the speech goes like this "We have free parking, a spa and fitness area and breakfast from 6:30-9. Enjoy your stay." We all say something similar to that. The most important thing is to mention breakfast because it is the best amenity. Many times after we do mention breakfast, people respond with:
"In the morning?"
No. Not in the morning. Breakfast is not served in the morning. It is served at a secret time every day in which guests are notified by a phone call saying "CAW CAW." OF COURSE BREAKFAST IS SERVED IN THE MORNING!
Dinner
Just like breakfast, we have dinner. Dinner is served only one night a week on Wednesdays. Normally the front desk staff only tells the guest if the guest will be here on a Wednesday. Their speech has a little add on of "We also have dinner on Wednesday night only" to which the response from the guest is:
"Is that every night?"
Is every day of the week Wednesday? Then NO it is not every night.
The Bathroom Situation
My front desk agent recently received a phone call from someone inquiring about a hotel room. She confidently answered all of their questions until she was stumped.
"So do you guys have bathrooms in your rooms?"
I honestly wouldn't know how to respond to this either. It's kind of like when someone comes over to your house and instead of asking you WHERE the bathroom is they ask you if you HAVE a bathroom.
Why wouldn't the rooms have a bathroom? Did you hear a rumor that people in the Bay Area don't ever need to use the bathroom and therefore we just don't have them? What other hotels have you stayed in where they literally give you a pot to piss in in the year 2013? According to Taro Gomi 'Everyone Poops,' an idea that I'm not too sure about because obviously girls don't poop, but yes, our hotel rooms do in fact have bathrooms.
Office Supplies
This is sometimes a little more understandable when a customer doesn't know whether or not a store sells something but when the item they are looking for is a general office supply, your best bet is that an office supply store would carry the item.
"Do you guys sell pencils?"
"Do you guys sell crayons?"
"Do you guys sell notebooks?"
This happened all the time. We were constantly asked things like this. They didn't ask where they could find them but they would ask if we sold them.
We are an office supply store. We sell office supplies. There is no need to ask whether or not we sell office supplies at an office supply store. Thank You and God Bless.
What I mean by this is that at my previous jobs and current job, my coworkers and I have been asked questions that people either answer themselves or questions that we feel should not even be acknowledged.
Breakfast Time
This happens a lot at the hotel. We give a little speech to anyone that asks about information and anyone who checks in. We all have different variations of the speech but in the end it's just a speech that tells the guests what the amenities are. My version of the speech goes like this "We have free parking, a spa and fitness area and breakfast from 6:30-9. Enjoy your stay." We all say something similar to that. The most important thing is to mention breakfast because it is the best amenity. Many times after we do mention breakfast, people respond with:
"In the morning?"
No. Not in the morning. Breakfast is not served in the morning. It is served at a secret time every day in which guests are notified by a phone call saying "CAW CAW." OF COURSE BREAKFAST IS SERVED IN THE MORNING!
Dinner
Just like breakfast, we have dinner. Dinner is served only one night a week on Wednesdays. Normally the front desk staff only tells the guest if the guest will be here on a Wednesday. Their speech has a little add on of "We also have dinner on Wednesday night only" to which the response from the guest is:
"Is that every night?"
Is every day of the week Wednesday? Then NO it is not every night.
The Bathroom Situation
My front desk agent recently received a phone call from someone inquiring about a hotel room. She confidently answered all of their questions until she was stumped.
"So do you guys have bathrooms in your rooms?"
I honestly wouldn't know how to respond to this either. It's kind of like when someone comes over to your house and instead of asking you WHERE the bathroom is they ask you if you HAVE a bathroom.
Why wouldn't the rooms have a bathroom? Did you hear a rumor that people in the Bay Area don't ever need to use the bathroom and therefore we just don't have them? What other hotels have you stayed in where they literally give you a pot to piss in in the year 2013? According to Taro Gomi 'Everyone Poops,' an idea that I'm not too sure about because obviously girls don't poop, but yes, our hotel rooms do in fact have bathrooms.
Office Supplies
This is sometimes a little more understandable when a customer doesn't know whether or not a store sells something but when the item they are looking for is a general office supply, your best bet is that an office supply store would carry the item.
"Do you guys sell pencils?"
"Do you guys sell crayons?"
"Do you guys sell notebooks?"
This happened all the time. We were constantly asked things like this. They didn't ask where they could find them but they would ask if we sold them.
We are an office supply store. We sell office supplies. There is no need to ask whether or not we sell office supplies at an office supply store. Thank You and God Bless.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Insurance
At the office supply store we had this insurance package. Any electronic or furniture item qualified for one of the insurance packages. From what I remember, there were different packages depending on the price of the item. We were told to push those damn things like heroin. Supposedly there was something in it for us but I never reaped the benefits.
The reason why I never reaped the benefits is because I knew nothing about it. I can't sell something I know nothing about. I sold copies, you can't sell insurance on copies so therefore I chose to learn absolutely nothing about it. Mr. Budweiser was really on my case about it, as he was for most things. He would have the front cashier take a tally of who sold what and if we were meeting the day's sales goal. Every. Single. Hour. Anyone who didn't sign up someone for the rewards program or sell insurance was confronted by Mr. Budweiser. I was always one of those people. There was no need for him to confront me because every time he spoke to me I heard the Charlie Brown teacher voice: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP!
I sold insurance three times during my office supply store career, twice at the store under Mr. Budweiser and once at the other store.
First Time Surprise
I hated helping the floor ring people up because they never helped us with it. They'd get upset if one of our customers came to them but yet we were supposed to put a smile on our face to help them. I NEVER HELPED THEM. The only time I did was when one of my too eager copy center coworkers said "Of course we'll help" before I got the chance to say "Not in a million years."
This was one of those occasions. I was ringing up a woman who needed a desk chair. I called one of the guys to pull the chair for me while I finished the transaction.
Working Girl: Would you like to purchase insurance on this item?
Woman: What's that?
Then I panicked
Working Girl: Well...um.. it's for coverage of the item. Like if something is broken we'll fix it or we'll give you a new one.
Woman: For free?
Working Girl: Yes. For free. (I had no clue if that was true)
Woman: That's not a bad deal. How much is it?
Working Girl: $10
Woman: Okay, I'll do that.
Working Girl: Seriously?
Woman: Yeah, why?
Working Girl: I've just never sold one before.
Woman: Well I'm glad to be your first.
Was she hitting on me? Just kidding.
I sold one, with no real knowledge of the product. I spout out whatever sounded good to me and she bought it-- LITERALLY. I was proud of myself and I was able to shut up Mr. Budweiser in the process. She was a very nice woman and I hope there wasn't a problem with the chair where she had to bring it back... because I sure as shit didn't know what I was talking about.
Strategy
I knew that if I ever wanted to sell another insurance plan again I needed to have a strategy. Alaina was selling those things like hot cakes and I had no idea why. Maybe she knew the product? But that's doubtful, she was in high school and if the information wasn't being texted to her I doubt that she read about it. Maybe she had a bunch of rich guys coming through her line? Again, doubtful, not with the way they bought the cheapest merchandise possible. There had to be a reason.
Then I got it. Boobs. Alaina had a big rack and she never buttoned the top of her shirt. I have an even bigger rack and I was about to rip off the buttons on that damn shirt. I was gonna be an insurance selling machine.
So I put on my whore-drobe and got ready to sell some insurance the only problem is, I worked at the copy center and rarely did we get people who weren't either purchasing copies or people who purchased items that weren't qualified for an insurance program. Days and then weeks went by and I almost gave up hope. Then one day a guy came to me wanting to purchase a cordless phone.
Working Girl: Would you like to buy insurance for that?
Man: For a $10 phone? Not really. Why would I?
Shit!
Working Girl: Well...um...because if it stops working or breaks you can bring it back and we'll replace it.
Man: It's not a big deal if it doesn't work, I can always spend another $10 to buy a new one.
Working Girl: But this way you get to save your $10 dollars.
After I said that, he kind of just stood there thinking. I then crossed my arms under my chest and bent over slightly onto the counter.
Man: Okay. Why not. I'll get the insurance.
I DID IT! My knowledge of the product, savvy business ethics and convincing speech...oh who are we kidding. It was the tits.
The reason why I never reaped the benefits is because I knew nothing about it. I can't sell something I know nothing about. I sold copies, you can't sell insurance on copies so therefore I chose to learn absolutely nothing about it. Mr. Budweiser was really on my case about it, as he was for most things. He would have the front cashier take a tally of who sold what and if we were meeting the day's sales goal. Every. Single. Hour. Anyone who didn't sign up someone for the rewards program or sell insurance was confronted by Mr. Budweiser. I was always one of those people. There was no need for him to confront me because every time he spoke to me I heard the Charlie Brown teacher voice: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP!
I sold insurance three times during my office supply store career, twice at the store under Mr. Budweiser and once at the other store.
First Time Surprise
I hated helping the floor ring people up because they never helped us with it. They'd get upset if one of our customers came to them but yet we were supposed to put a smile on our face to help them. I NEVER HELPED THEM. The only time I did was when one of my too eager copy center coworkers said "Of course we'll help" before I got the chance to say "Not in a million years."
This was one of those occasions. I was ringing up a woman who needed a desk chair. I called one of the guys to pull the chair for me while I finished the transaction.
Working Girl: Would you like to purchase insurance on this item?
Woman: What's that?
Then I panicked
Working Girl: Well...um.. it's for coverage of the item. Like if something is broken we'll fix it or we'll give you a new one.
Woman: For free?
Working Girl: Yes. For free. (I had no clue if that was true)
Woman: That's not a bad deal. How much is it?
Working Girl: $10
Woman: Okay, I'll do that.
Working Girl: Seriously?
Woman: Yeah, why?
Working Girl: I've just never sold one before.
Woman: Well I'm glad to be your first.
Was she hitting on me? Just kidding.
I sold one, with no real knowledge of the product. I spout out whatever sounded good to me and she bought it-- LITERALLY. I was proud of myself and I was able to shut up Mr. Budweiser in the process. She was a very nice woman and I hope there wasn't a problem with the chair where she had to bring it back... because I sure as shit didn't know what I was talking about.
Strategy
I knew that if I ever wanted to sell another insurance plan again I needed to have a strategy. Alaina was selling those things like hot cakes and I had no idea why. Maybe she knew the product? But that's doubtful, she was in high school and if the information wasn't being texted to her I doubt that she read about it. Maybe she had a bunch of rich guys coming through her line? Again, doubtful, not with the way they bought the cheapest merchandise possible. There had to be a reason.
Then I got it. Boobs. Alaina had a big rack and she never buttoned the top of her shirt. I have an even bigger rack and I was about to rip off the buttons on that damn shirt. I was gonna be an insurance selling machine.
So I put on my whore-drobe and got ready to sell some insurance the only problem is, I worked at the copy center and rarely did we get people who weren't either purchasing copies or people who purchased items that weren't qualified for an insurance program. Days and then weeks went by and I almost gave up hope. Then one day a guy came to me wanting to purchase a cordless phone.
Working Girl: Would you like to buy insurance for that?
Man: For a $10 phone? Not really. Why would I?
Shit!
Working Girl: Well...um...because if it stops working or breaks you can bring it back and we'll replace it.
Man: It's not a big deal if it doesn't work, I can always spend another $10 to buy a new one.
Working Girl: But this way you get to save your $10 dollars.
After I said that, he kind of just stood there thinking. I then crossed my arms under my chest and bent over slightly onto the counter.
Man: Okay. Why not. I'll get the insurance.
I DID IT! My knowledge of the product, savvy business ethics and convincing speech...oh who are we kidding. It was the tits.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Homeless Pt. 2
Bushwick once again graced the presence of the hotel staff. I unfortunately wasn't around for this one but I definitely heard all about it.
Apparently one day Bushwick came in and spoke with one of my fellow coworkers, asking her if he could use the phone. She said no. He grew angry.
Bushwick: No? What do you mean no! Gimme the phone stupid white bitch!!!
He went on like that for some time. He frightened my coworker and she threatened to call the police. He decided that was enough and left.
When I was told the story I laughed. I didn't see what the big deal was. We've been called worse by upset guests so a crazy, homeless man with a wandering eye didn't seem too threatening to me. I was also told a version of the story where it looked as if was pulling out a gun and the housekeeping manager ran into the office in fear. It all seemed a little hard to believe when just a week earlier he and I were trading money but then of course I wasn't there.
Bushwick can still be seen around town in his dirty suit and hat. He hasn't come into the hotel lately but he'll forever be memorable.
Is He or Isn't He?
One Saturday evening I was sitting behind the front desk minding my own business and not actually caring about what was happening around me when a woman came up to the front desk whispering.
Woman: Excuse me, I think you have a visitor.
Working Girl: I'm sorry, what?
Woman: You have a homeless person who wandered into the lobby, he's asleep.
I then look to where she was pointing and I see Big Al. Big Al was not a homeless person, he was an unkempt guest. He was a tall older man who was always dirty. I never saw him clean. He's stayed at the hotel hundreds of times but yet I've never seen him cleaned up. Ironically, he fell asleep waiting for his newly washed clothes to come out of the dryer.
I know the woman was trying to be helpful but she 100% assumed that he was homeless. I don't know if that makes her kind of a bitch or just simply a helpful person. Either way, I continued to let Big Al sleep and I explained to her that he, in fact, is a guest to which she replied with "REALLY!?"
Yup, she's a bitch.
Apparently one day Bushwick came in and spoke with one of my fellow coworkers, asking her if he could use the phone. She said no. He grew angry.
Bushwick: No? What do you mean no! Gimme the phone stupid white bitch!!!
He went on like that for some time. He frightened my coworker and she threatened to call the police. He decided that was enough and left.
When I was told the story I laughed. I didn't see what the big deal was. We've been called worse by upset guests so a crazy, homeless man with a wandering eye didn't seem too threatening to me. I was also told a version of the story where it looked as if was pulling out a gun and the housekeeping manager ran into the office in fear. It all seemed a little hard to believe when just a week earlier he and I were trading money but then of course I wasn't there.
Bushwick can still be seen around town in his dirty suit and hat. He hasn't come into the hotel lately but he'll forever be memorable.
Is He or Isn't He?
One Saturday evening I was sitting behind the front desk minding my own business and not actually caring about what was happening around me when a woman came up to the front desk whispering.
Woman: Excuse me, I think you have a visitor.
Working Girl: I'm sorry, what?
Woman: You have a homeless person who wandered into the lobby, he's asleep.
I then look to where she was pointing and I see Big Al. Big Al was not a homeless person, he was an unkempt guest. He was a tall older man who was always dirty. I never saw him clean. He's stayed at the hotel hundreds of times but yet I've never seen him cleaned up. Ironically, he fell asleep waiting for his newly washed clothes to come out of the dryer.
I know the woman was trying to be helpful but she 100% assumed that he was homeless. I don't know if that makes her kind of a bitch or just simply a helpful person. Either way, I continued to let Big Al sleep and I explained to her that he, in fact, is a guest to which she replied with "REALLY!?"
Yup, she's a bitch.
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