Potty Humor

Poop is just not funny. The word itself is hilarious but the general idea of it shouldn't make anyone chuckle. Though I am a firm believer in "girls don't poop," I'm not so crazy to think that it never happens. Weird things happen in bathrooms, especially in public bathrooms. I think that because people know someone else will clean up the mess, they make it a point to shit on the side of the toilet as opposed to in it. It's a real effed up way of thinking but it happens more than it ever should.

Date & Bible Study

When I was in college I worked on various parts of the newspaper. I wrote editorials, sports features, took photographs. It wasn't paid work but it paid in experience (which is why I don't talk about it). One day, after drinking giant cups of coffee and multiple bottles of water, I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. As I washed my hands a woman came from out of the stall and asked me if I believed in God. My initial reaction was "not if I someone were to accost me in a bathroom I don't" but instead I said "sure." She then went on and talked about our Lord and Savior and how the only way I won't be sent to eternal damnation is if I joined her Bible study.

Working Girl: Ya know, that all sounds holy and what not but I'm good.
Thumper: Well okay, but here's a flyer if you change your mind.
Working Girl: Thanks.

Just when I thought I could leave...

Thumper: So, um, are you seeing anyone?
Working Girl: What?
Thumper: Like do you have a girlfriend?
Working Girl: Sorry I...yes...a big, giant girlfriend of whom I love so very much. Talk to you later bye!

Did she think I would've agreed to a date after she told me I was going to hell in a bathroom? I don't even like to open my mouth in a public bathroom let alone carry a full on conversation and set up date plans.

Thieves R' Us

I'm not saying that anyone should steal. It's not okay and it sucks when something is stolen from you, but with that being said, it is extremely easy to steal.  The office supply store actually had a public restroom. I understand why retail stores have restrooms but I don't know why the public is allowed to use them.

At the office supply store people would go into the bathroom with their hand baskets full of merchandise but leave it with an empty hand basket. This wasn't that difficult to figure out. But it was difficult to catch. We didn't have a bathroom attendant, the bathroom was at the back of the store and we were greatly short staffed. The dumb criminals were the ones who would just stuff merchandise into a backpack and run. It stopped happening so often because we had to hold the merchandise for people at the front but them walking to the bathroom without the original merchandise didn't necessarily mean they weren't going to pick up new merchandise along the way.

Bad Lunch Choice

We have a meeting room at the hotel that is used multiple times throughout the year. We provide coffee and tea service but it is up to the coordinator to supply lunch. The coordinators of these meetings aren't creative. I've only ever seen 3 catered lunches at the hotel including Subway sandwiches, Mexican food and Indian food which are all within walking distance. There is one group that consistently uses the meeting room and the coordinator actually provides her own treats for the group. So not only did the attendees have Mexican for lunch, they also snacked on Blueberry Navajo pie, Apricot Scones, Chocolate dipped pistachio cookies and whatever else randomness she makes.

Obviously that mixture of food didn't sit well with the group and they all rushed to the bathroom during their 15 minute break. We only had 2 bathrooms to be shared amongst 30 people in the span of 15 minutes. I won't get into the smells coming from the hallway but I will talk about the people. I've never had so many people dripping sweat and pressing their hands against their stomach ask me for a bathroom before. Some of the meeting attendees actually rented a room just so they could explode in a bathroom without waiting. It. Was. Hilarious. One woman begged me to use the non-existent employee bathroom that she was sure we had. Another was upset that there were only 2 bathrooms, and another asked us to open up one of the vacant rooms as a third bathroom.

All in all I laughed because I never stuff my face at a conference or meeting but I also question: What was in that food to get that reaction?

 Nasty Ass

Now this one is rare. I would like to say once again that people do things they normally wouldn't do in their own home because they know someone else will be cleaning up after them.

The housekeeping staff is outstanding. They can clean the messiest of rooms in 30 minutes. I once cleaned 4 rooms and it took me 3 hours. On one occasion it was taking housekeeping over an hour to clean one of the rooms. Not only was it taking longer, multiple housekeepers were cleaning it when normally it's just 1 housekeeper per room. I later found out why it took them so long to finish.

Working Girl: Ernice you are leaving much later than usual. And you're covered in sweat. What's up?
Ernice (exhausted): Room 313. Poo.
Working Girl: Poo? Like they messed the bed? They missed the toilet?
Ernice: Everywhere.
Working Girl: Everywhere?
Ernice: Blood too.
Working Girl: WHAT!?

So after doing this back and forth with Ernice for a minute, I later found out exactly what she was saying. Room 313 smeared their blood and feces on the walls. Every wall. No one knows why. I had to think about who 313 was when they checked out. 

Was it the couple that looked disheveled? No, I'm sure they got freaky but not THAT freaky.
Was it the really dirty guy that was at breakfast? No, he wasn't a guest. He was just a homeless guy that wandered in.
Was it that old couple? No, that wasn't their room number and they didn't look insane.

Then it dawned on me. It was that little Asian woman who was all smiles when she left. She had ruby red lipstick, earrings, a gray hoodie and a big smile from ear to ear as she checked out. Who could've known she was a bat shit crazy shit smearer? Go figure.