This incident always made me giggle. When I worked at the copy center we had to up-sell. Up-sell, up-sell, up-sell. If you don't know what up-sell is let me give you a basic description:
"Would you like that Super-Sized?" It's when you try to push the customer to buy something extra or upgrade their purchase because you're forced to.
At the copy center an "up-sell" was showing all the different things we could do. For example, if you ordered business cards, we were supposed to take one of those business cards and make it into a magnet. This just shows that there is so much more that we could do that you may not have known about.
Our manager, Jazzy, wanted every order to have an up-sell gift. We would take every order and give them free address labels or color prints. I loved to up-sell because I love to be creative. Working at the copy center helped me to master all of the different Adobe software programs. Those programs helped me to up-sell.
I had to print out a poster of a smiling woman on a large canvas. It was a simple job but I needed a way to up-sell. I had the brilliant idea to take the picture of this happy woman and place her in front of a beach backdrop to make post cards. I placed her on the beach with a smile and sunglasses against the words "Wish You Were Here..."
The postcards were beautiful and I was very proud of them. The customer came to pick up the print and I had to explain the up-sell.
Working Girl: Your print is all done.
Customer: Thanks. It looks beautiful.
Working Girl: We can also do other types of services just in case you wondering. For example I made you up some postcards. I placed her in a beautiful beach with sunglasses. These postcards are yours to keep but if you are ever interested in something else we can definitely do it.
Customer: Uh, thanks. This is nice but I don't think I'll need it.
Working Girl: Oh it's free to keep. It's just an example of what we can do here. You could hand out the post cards to people to show them what we can do.
Customer: The postcards are very nice and I appreciate them it's just that...this poster is for my grandmother's funeral.
There was a look of complete shock on my face. I "Weekend At Bernie's"-ed this guy's grandmother. I put sunglasses on her, I put her on a beach and I gave her the thought of "Wish You Were Here" from beyond the grave. I was so embarrassed. I was just trying to up-sell, I wasn't trying to offend anyone especially not in his time of grief.
I apologized numerous times and it actually put a smile on his face. He said it was no big deal and there's no way I could've known that the picture he gave me was of his dead grandmother. The story makes me laugh now because I can't believe it happened but if I was able to at least make that guy (and hopefully the rest of his family) smile during that difficult time, then I did my job....just in a really messed up way.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Yearbook
When I was in high school I was on the yearbook staff. This wasn't paid work but the fact that we had to make our shitty high school look at least decent was definitely hard work. Yearbook was actually the only class I truly enjoyed during my senior year. I got to design pages, write stories and hang out with people who I never really got the chance to hang out with before.
The people on the yearbook staff were characters themselves, it was almost like a comedy club, everyday we would all leave with tears in our eyes. I hung out with a core group of hilarious people and what made us all so funny was our ability to shit talk.
If you haven't learned, I'm a fan of shit talking. I don't bully people but shit talking is a blast, that is what we did. There was one day that was more memorable than the rest: Baby Photo Day.
The creators of the Baby Photo page were Necia, Ralph and Serena and they were the ones who gathered the baby pictures of the participating seniors and created the layout for that specific page. They also happened to be some of the funniest people in the class. The three of them and a handful of the rest of us took a look at our classmates precious baby photos.
The photo of our classmate alone in a park holding a single balloon...
Banana: Sup with Egore's balloon? Is no one going to ask why this is happening? Why is he alone in a park? I'm confused
The black and white, crumpled photo of a classmate...
Necia: What kind of concentration camp photo is this?
The photo of one of our classmates in a half shirt...
Ralph: See, she was a Ho back then.
The blurry photo of another female classmate...
Zeus: I think that sign back there says "Welcome to America."
The photo of a girl in our class who looked exactly like she did at 17 as she did at 5...
Serena: Was that photo taken yesterday? This is not a baby picture.
Then I brought out a photo given to me by a friend of mine for a classmate of hers.
Working Girl: Oh! I almost forgot, someone gave me this photo to add to the baby pics.
Necia: Who is this?
Working Girl: I have no idea. Her name is on the back.
Necia: Jan...Jan who?
Working Girl (laughing): Necia I have no idea. The picture was given to me by someone who knows this girl. I can only assume she goes to this school.
Necia: She don't go here. Nope! Not happening, she will not be in this yearbook.
We had plenty of hilarious days in yearbook and plenty of hilarious quotes. Being on that staff only reinforced the idea that I wanted to be a writer. I figured that if being on a staff of creative people can be half as much fun as our yearbook staff. I would forever love my job.
Special thanks to Necia, Ralph, Serena, Star Jones, Banana, Zeus, F-Cup and everyone else on the yearbook staff for being just as mean and hilarious as I am.
The people on the yearbook staff were characters themselves, it was almost like a comedy club, everyday we would all leave with tears in our eyes. I hung out with a core group of hilarious people and what made us all so funny was our ability to shit talk.
If you haven't learned, I'm a fan of shit talking. I don't bully people but shit talking is a blast, that is what we did. There was one day that was more memorable than the rest: Baby Photo Day.
The creators of the Baby Photo page were Necia, Ralph and Serena and they were the ones who gathered the baby pictures of the participating seniors and created the layout for that specific page. They also happened to be some of the funniest people in the class. The three of them and a handful of the rest of us took a look at our classmates precious baby photos.
The photo of our classmate alone in a park holding a single balloon...
Banana: Sup with Egore's balloon? Is no one going to ask why this is happening? Why is he alone in a park? I'm confused
The black and white, crumpled photo of a classmate...
Necia: What kind of concentration camp photo is this?
The photo of one of our classmates in a half shirt...
Ralph: See, she was a Ho back then.
The blurry photo of another female classmate...
Zeus: I think that sign back there says "Welcome to America."
The photo of a girl in our class who looked exactly like she did at 17 as she did at 5...
Serena: Was that photo taken yesterday? This is not a baby picture.
Then I brought out a photo given to me by a friend of mine for a classmate of hers.
Working Girl: Oh! I almost forgot, someone gave me this photo to add to the baby pics.
Necia: Who is this?
Working Girl: I have no idea. Her name is on the back.
Necia: Jan...Jan who?
Working Girl (laughing): Necia I have no idea. The picture was given to me by someone who knows this girl. I can only assume she goes to this school.
Necia: She don't go here. Nope! Not happening, she will not be in this yearbook.
We had plenty of hilarious days in yearbook and plenty of hilarious quotes. Being on that staff only reinforced the idea that I wanted to be a writer. I figured that if being on a staff of creative people can be half as much fun as our yearbook staff. I would forever love my job.
Special thanks to Necia, Ralph, Serena, Star Jones, Banana, Zeus, F-Cup and everyone else on the yearbook staff for being just as mean and hilarious as I am.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tani Gold: Why Are You Such a Bitch? Pt. 3
Me! Me! Me! Bitch!
If you haven't quite figured it out yet, Tani was attention hungry. Everything she did was for attention. From crying to pouting to trying to meet strangers online. The first time I met Tani she let me in on her life and basically why she was so screwed up. Tani was the "red-headed stepchild" in a sense. She and her sister would compete for her mother's attention and Tani always got the short end of the stick. Though Tani loved her family, she didn't get along with them so she would be the one to go off and do things that confused the rest of the Gold clan.
I realized that Tani had attention problems when she came in on her day off to hand out birthday party invitations. Tani worked four days a week, there was no reason for her to come in on her day off to hand them out unless she was trying to rub something in someones face; that someone was me. Tani came in and gave a birthday party invitation to everyone at the hotel except me. This included the housekeeping staff that hated her and that she hated. After she got done handing out the invitations like it was the third grade, she then came to gloat at the front desk.
Tani: It's gonna be so much fun. It's a themed birthday party and there will be a bounce house. You know you are so jealous and you want to go.
Working Girl: Both you and bounce houses make me sick. I'm good.
Tani: Oh whatever. It's gonna be a blast.
Tani did this type of shit constantly. Anything to help her get attention she was okay with. She once told the staff that she was a newlywed because after boozing it up one night, she got married to her gay best friend. She claimed that they were just having fun but stayed married in order to receive benefits. She boasted about it and constantly referred to him as "my husband" because she wanted everyone to talk about her...even if it was all negative.
Bitch why do you have to look like that, Bitch?
I personally am not one to judge based on someones appearance but it's difficult not to when dealing with Tani. Tani's look confused us all. Let's break it down from top to bottom:
Head
Tani wore a weave. A bad weave. A nasty, ratted weave that she put in herself. She never had the money to buy a new weave so she continued to use the same weave over and over until it started to shed. There would be times where we'd come into work and her hair was all over the place. Due to our downtime at work, Tani would apply her weave in the back room, there were thousands of times where she wore a scarf on her head during her shift because she knew that she looked like a train wreck even more than we did. The best quote about her hair came from a coworker:
TT Y'all: Why is her hair looking like that? Her sister's shit was fucked up too. Their mama must be bald.
Body
This is where the "Spongebob Squarepants" nickname came from. She was shaped like a box. She had broad, square shoulders and stick-like arms. She had a massive chest that sat on top of her round beer belly therefore giving the impression that they were molded together to make almost a flat surface. Her back and her ass were similar to the front. She had the type of ass that had a lead in from her back. There was no difference. It was one flat surface. TT Y'all also gave a memorable quote about Tani's body as well.
TT Y'all: That body. Ugh.
Legs
Her legs were skinny. That's all you can really say about them. They were very thin and didn't fit the rest of her body.
Not everyone is a beauty queen and no one should be faulted for that but I do believe that people should take some pride in their appearance, especially in a professional setting. Tani never looked professional. Aside from the rag she wore on her head from time to time, her awkward body shape made her clothes an awkward fit.
Tani had gone on vacation and lost a few pounds. She took the 10 pounds that she lost and considered it to be 100 pounds. When she got back to work she ordered a smaller uniform for her "new body." Just like with any sudden weight loss, she gained it all back and then some. She not only couldn't fit her new uniform, she could no longer fit her old one.
Tani came to relieve me and my mom, who had borrowed my car, was sitting on the couch in the lobby waiting for me to get off work. Tani comes in with a sour look on her face and her shirt, being so small, was rolled up all the way to the middle of her back. She wasn't wearing a shirt underneath her uniform. When my mom saw her come in she couldn't control herself.
Working Girl's Mom: OH HER SHIRT! DAMN!
My mom then had to step outside to control her laughter.
Tani just wasn't a cute girl, nor was she a good person. I guess because of her family relationships, her romantic relationships, her obviously unstable emotional state of being and that that body, ugh, Tani Gold didn't have a choice but to be such a bitch.
Don't think this is the last you'll her of Tani Gold, there is still plenty more to come.
If you haven't quite figured it out yet, Tani was attention hungry. Everything she did was for attention. From crying to pouting to trying to meet strangers online. The first time I met Tani she let me in on her life and basically why she was so screwed up. Tani was the "red-headed stepchild" in a sense. She and her sister would compete for her mother's attention and Tani always got the short end of the stick. Though Tani loved her family, she didn't get along with them so she would be the one to go off and do things that confused the rest of the Gold clan.
I realized that Tani had attention problems when she came in on her day off to hand out birthday party invitations. Tani worked four days a week, there was no reason for her to come in on her day off to hand them out unless she was trying to rub something in someones face; that someone was me. Tani came in and gave a birthday party invitation to everyone at the hotel except me. This included the housekeeping staff that hated her and that she hated. After she got done handing out the invitations like it was the third grade, she then came to gloat at the front desk.
Tani: It's gonna be so much fun. It's a themed birthday party and there will be a bounce house. You know you are so jealous and you want to go.
Working Girl: Both you and bounce houses make me sick. I'm good.
Tani: Oh whatever. It's gonna be a blast.
Tani did this type of shit constantly. Anything to help her get attention she was okay with. She once told the staff that she was a newlywed because after boozing it up one night, she got married to her gay best friend. She claimed that they were just having fun but stayed married in order to receive benefits. She boasted about it and constantly referred to him as "my husband" because she wanted everyone to talk about her...even if it was all negative.
Bitch why do you have to look like that, Bitch?
I personally am not one to judge based on someones appearance but it's difficult not to when dealing with Tani. Tani's look confused us all. Let's break it down from top to bottom:
Head
Tani wore a weave. A bad weave. A nasty, ratted weave that she put in herself. She never had the money to buy a new weave so she continued to use the same weave over and over until it started to shed. There would be times where we'd come into work and her hair was all over the place. Due to our downtime at work, Tani would apply her weave in the back room, there were thousands of times where she wore a scarf on her head during her shift because she knew that she looked like a train wreck even more than we did. The best quote about her hair came from a coworker:
TT Y'all: Why is her hair looking like that? Her sister's shit was fucked up too. Their mama must be bald.
Body
This is where the "Spongebob Squarepants" nickname came from. She was shaped like a box. She had broad, square shoulders and stick-like arms. She had a massive chest that sat on top of her round beer belly therefore giving the impression that they were molded together to make almost a flat surface. Her back and her ass were similar to the front. She had the type of ass that had a lead in from her back. There was no difference. It was one flat surface. TT Y'all also gave a memorable quote about Tani's body as well.
TT Y'all: That body. Ugh.
Legs
Her legs were skinny. That's all you can really say about them. They were very thin and didn't fit the rest of her body.
Not everyone is a beauty queen and no one should be faulted for that but I do believe that people should take some pride in their appearance, especially in a professional setting. Tani never looked professional. Aside from the rag she wore on her head from time to time, her awkward body shape made her clothes an awkward fit.
Tani had gone on vacation and lost a few pounds. She took the 10 pounds that she lost and considered it to be 100 pounds. When she got back to work she ordered a smaller uniform for her "new body." Just like with any sudden weight loss, she gained it all back and then some. She not only couldn't fit her new uniform, she could no longer fit her old one.
Tani came to relieve me and my mom, who had borrowed my car, was sitting on the couch in the lobby waiting for me to get off work. Tani comes in with a sour look on her face and her shirt, being so small, was rolled up all the way to the middle of her back. She wasn't wearing a shirt underneath her uniform. When my mom saw her come in she couldn't control herself.
Working Girl's Mom: OH HER SHIRT! DAMN!
My mom then had to step outside to control her laughter.
Tani just wasn't a cute girl, nor was she a good person. I guess because of her family relationships, her romantic relationships, her obviously unstable emotional state of being and that that body, ugh, Tani Gold didn't have a choice but to be such a bitch.
Don't think this is the last you'll her of Tani Gold, there is still plenty more to come.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Tani Gold: Why Are You Such a Bitch? Pt. 2
Emotional Bitch
It seemed as though Tani had a lot of feelings. She took everything to heart. We were surprised if a month went by without her crying about something. There were plenty of times when she cried, and the best one will have to wait for its own post, but some situations were more memorable.
Like I said Tani was condescending, and she was like that with both the staff and the guests. Some guests ignored it, some guests mocked her behind her back and others (my favorites) confronted her. Though the hotel is technically "limited service," the staff always went out of their way to help guests. Sometimes guests don't want to be helped; Tani learned that the hard way. There was once a couple checking into the hotel, the male counterpart of this couple was struggling with the luggage and Tani ran out to help him. His girlfriend was not too fond of that.
Tani: Oh sir, let me help you.
Man: That's not necessary. I've got it.
Tani: Oh I'm happy to help. It's what I'm here for.
Woman: *sigh* No one asked you for your help. You can leave my man and me ALONE.
They made their way upstairs to Tani's shock and disbelief. I do think that woman completely took it the wrong way and Tani was actually trying to be helpful. The aftermath is where the problem was. Tani then began crying and wrote a note to all of us in the log book saying that the woman is a total psycho and to "watch out because she's jealous."
There was another incident in which a guest was upset about something stupid. I've learned that hotel guests are stupid and they tend to complain about things that just aren't worth it. This man was a very light sleeper and the fan that constantly runs in the bathroom was keeping him from sleeping. Instead of telling him that there is no way to stop the fan, it keeps mold from growing in the bathroom and it is standard in every hotel she decided to help by giving him towels to clog it. He immediately got upset because not only did she hand him rags to clog it, she suggested he clog it himself. If there is one rule in the hotel industry it is that the guest is a baby and you must feed, clothe and provide for the infant. He started raising his voice and she was terrified so she hit the panic button.
Side Note: The panic button is for emergencies only. Robberies and assaults to give you an example but an irritated guest is not one of them.
The panic button calls the police and basically tells them to come in guns blazing. They rush there to find that not only did the guy go back up to his room, there wasn't an emergency in the first place.
A week later during the staff meeting the owner mentioned that we are never to use the panic button without there being an actual emergency...she then burst into tears during the meeting even though the owner didn't even mention her name. The saga continued.
Hateful Bitch
This pissed me off more than anything else she did. I once came in to get my paycheck during Tani's shift. It was already established that Tani and I didn't like each other. She overheard me talking in the parking lot to the housekeeping manager before I came in to get my check. To avoid speaking to me or even seeing me, I heard her slam my check on the counter and stomp into the manager's office.
Trust me, I didn't want to speak to her either but don't ever screw with my money. She left my check on the counter for anyone to pass by and pick up. My check. My money. My name. My address. My social security number. My life. It was left on the counter because she didn't like me. Someone could've taken my shit because she didn't like me. She honestly should've been in the manager's office praying to whatever she believes in that I didn't hop the counter and introduce her face to my fist.
Shockingly enough we still didn't get to answer the question of "Why Are You Such a Bitch?" Maybe we'll tackle that in part three.
It seemed as though Tani had a lot of feelings. She took everything to heart. We were surprised if a month went by without her crying about something. There were plenty of times when she cried, and the best one will have to wait for its own post, but some situations were more memorable.
Like I said Tani was condescending, and she was like that with both the staff and the guests. Some guests ignored it, some guests mocked her behind her back and others (my favorites) confronted her. Though the hotel is technically "limited service," the staff always went out of their way to help guests. Sometimes guests don't want to be helped; Tani learned that the hard way. There was once a couple checking into the hotel, the male counterpart of this couple was struggling with the luggage and Tani ran out to help him. His girlfriend was not too fond of that.
Tani: Oh sir, let me help you.
Man: That's not necessary. I've got it.
Tani: Oh I'm happy to help. It's what I'm here for.
Woman: *sigh* No one asked you for your help. You can leave my man and me ALONE.
They made their way upstairs to Tani's shock and disbelief. I do think that woman completely took it the wrong way and Tani was actually trying to be helpful. The aftermath is where the problem was. Tani then began crying and wrote a note to all of us in the log book saying that the woman is a total psycho and to "watch out because she's jealous."
There was another incident in which a guest was upset about something stupid. I've learned that hotel guests are stupid and they tend to complain about things that just aren't worth it. This man was a very light sleeper and the fan that constantly runs in the bathroom was keeping him from sleeping. Instead of telling him that there is no way to stop the fan, it keeps mold from growing in the bathroom and it is standard in every hotel she decided to help by giving him towels to clog it. He immediately got upset because not only did she hand him rags to clog it, she suggested he clog it himself. If there is one rule in the hotel industry it is that the guest is a baby and you must feed, clothe and provide for the infant. He started raising his voice and she was terrified so she hit the panic button.
Side Note: The panic button is for emergencies only. Robberies and assaults to give you an example but an irritated guest is not one of them.
The panic button calls the police and basically tells them to come in guns blazing. They rush there to find that not only did the guy go back up to his room, there wasn't an emergency in the first place.
A week later during the staff meeting the owner mentioned that we are never to use the panic button without there being an actual emergency...she then burst into tears during the meeting even though the owner didn't even mention her name. The saga continued.
Hateful Bitch
This pissed me off more than anything else she did. I once came in to get my paycheck during Tani's shift. It was already established that Tani and I didn't like each other. She overheard me talking in the parking lot to the housekeeping manager before I came in to get my check. To avoid speaking to me or even seeing me, I heard her slam my check on the counter and stomp into the manager's office.
Trust me, I didn't want to speak to her either but don't ever screw with my money. She left my check on the counter for anyone to pass by and pick up. My check. My money. My name. My address. My social security number. My life. It was left on the counter because she didn't like me. Someone could've taken my shit because she didn't like me. She honestly should've been in the manager's office praying to whatever she believes in that I didn't hop the counter and introduce her face to my fist.
Shockingly enough we still didn't get to answer the question of "Why Are You Such a Bitch?" Maybe we'll tackle that in part three.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Tani Gold: Why Are You Such a Bitch? Pt 1
It may seem like I rant about Tani Gold and that I don't like her but that's because I rant about her and I don't like her. She was a bitch. She was a bitch to me, co-workers, and sometimes guests. There are so many stories that I have as to why I can't stand her so instead of giving each one their own individual post I've decided to go into "The Bitch Series."
Condescending Bitch
Tani would talk down to people. She made it a point to pretend as if she was better than everyone else. She tried to do it with the front desk staff but she was just ignored. She knew she could wield her power over the housekeeping staff. The housekeeping staff is similar to many in America. The majority of them are Latino and they have a difficult time speaking/understanding English. None of us, with the exception of Tani, would fault them for that. We tried to learn as much Spanish as we could so the we could all communicate better. Tani had a different approach: yelling. She would scream things in English thinking that the louder she said, the better they understood. She was constantly barking at them. She once told the Housekeeping Manager to shut up while she was on the phone. What was she smoking?
She did this to guests as well. We once had a large band staying at the hotel and they needed cones to set up around their tour bus. The bus driver asked Tani if we had any cones.
Tani: Well..um... I'm really not sure..um...MOST of the time if you need cones you need to um bring YOUR OWN cones. That's not really "our responsibility."
Guy #1: Well if you could try, I would appreciate it.
After Tani walked away to find cones, the guys started to mock her.
Guy #1: Well ummmm....
Guy#2: It's not um our um responsibility um...
Guy #3: MOST of the um time um I um am um a bitch um...
No One is Better at "Hotelling" than this Bitch
Tani's favorite activity was telling the front desk how to do their job. She made it a constant thing. She was always writing passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive notes to the staff telling us how we aren't ever doing anything right. She once used an entire page to tell me that I didn't check the fax machine, didn't set up the rewards bags and didn't assign rooms during my morning shift. She wrote that because she didn't like me and she wanted to make everyone aware that I was "not good at my job." I laughed it off because that day I was faxing for the manager and the morning shift doesn't ever assign rooms. She was making a big deal over nothing but the fact that she tried to embarrass me, only made her life worse.
After that incident the manager pulled her into the office to tell her that it is not her job to tell anyone how to do theirs. Tani immediately got upset and told the manager that "if everyone just did their job correctly, I wouldn't have to tell them how to." Tani started crying and ran out to her car. Anyone who was really that great at their job could probably take the criticism and move on. But that was Tani Gold. Hopefully we'll understand her a little better in part two.
Condescending Bitch
Tani would talk down to people. She made it a point to pretend as if she was better than everyone else. She tried to do it with the front desk staff but she was just ignored. She knew she could wield her power over the housekeeping staff. The housekeeping staff is similar to many in America. The majority of them are Latino and they have a difficult time speaking/understanding English. None of us, with the exception of Tani, would fault them for that. We tried to learn as much Spanish as we could so the we could all communicate better. Tani had a different approach: yelling. She would scream things in English thinking that the louder she said, the better they understood. She was constantly barking at them. She once told the Housekeeping Manager to shut up while she was on the phone. What was she smoking?
She did this to guests as well. We once had a large band staying at the hotel and they needed cones to set up around their tour bus. The bus driver asked Tani if we had any cones.
Tani: Well..um... I'm really not sure..um...MOST of the time if you need cones you need to um bring YOUR OWN cones. That's not really "our responsibility."
Guy #1: Well if you could try, I would appreciate it.
After Tani walked away to find cones, the guys started to mock her.
Guy #1: Well ummmm....
Guy#2: It's not um our um responsibility um...
Guy #3: MOST of the um time um I um am um a bitch um...
No One is Better at "Hotelling" than this Bitch
Tani's favorite activity was telling the front desk how to do their job. She made it a constant thing. She was always writing passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive notes to the staff telling us how we aren't ever doing anything right. She once used an entire page to tell me that I didn't check the fax machine, didn't set up the rewards bags and didn't assign rooms during my morning shift. She wrote that because she didn't like me and she wanted to make everyone aware that I was "not good at my job." I laughed it off because that day I was faxing for the manager and the morning shift doesn't ever assign rooms. She was making a big deal over nothing but the fact that she tried to embarrass me, only made her life worse.
After that incident the manager pulled her into the office to tell her that it is not her job to tell anyone how to do theirs. Tani immediately got upset and told the manager that "if everyone just did their job correctly, I wouldn't have to tell them how to." Tani started crying and ran out to her car. Anyone who was really that great at their job could probably take the criticism and move on. But that was Tani Gold. Hopefully we'll understand her a little better in part two.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Potty Humor
Poop is just not funny. The word itself is hilarious but the general idea of it shouldn't make anyone chuckle. Though I am a firm believer in "girls don't poop," I'm not so crazy to think that it never happens. Weird things happen in bathrooms, especially in public bathrooms. I think that because people know someone else will clean up the mess, they make it a point to shit on the side of the toilet as opposed to in it. It's a real effed up way of thinking but it happens more than it ever should.
Date & Bible Study
When I was in college I worked on various parts of the newspaper. I wrote editorials, sports features, took photographs. It wasn't paid work but it paid in experience (which is why I don't talk about it). One day, after drinking giant cups of coffee and multiple bottles of water, I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. As I washed my hands a woman came from out of the stall and asked me if I believed in God. My initial reaction was "not if I someone were to accost me in a bathroom I don't" but instead I said "sure." She then went on and talked about our Lord and Savior and how the only way I won't be sent to eternal damnation is if I joined her Bible study.
Working Girl: Ya know, that all sounds holy and what not but I'm good.
Thumper: Well okay, but here's a flyer if you change your mind.
Working Girl: Thanks.
Just when I thought I could leave...
Thumper: So, um, are you seeing anyone?
Working Girl: What?
Thumper: Like do you have a girlfriend?
Working Girl: Sorry I...yes...a big, giant girlfriend of whom I love so very much. Talk to you later bye!
Did she think I would've agreed to a date after she told me I was going to hell in a bathroom? I don't even like to open my mouth in a public bathroom let alone carry a full on conversation and set up date plans.
Thieves R' Us
I'm not saying that anyone should steal. It's not okay and it sucks when something is stolen from you, but with that being said, it is extremely easy to steal. The office supply store actually had a public restroom. I understand why retail stores have restrooms but I don't know why the public is allowed to use them.
At the office supply store people would go into the bathroom with their hand baskets full of merchandise but leave it with an empty hand basket. This wasn't that difficult to figure out. But it was difficult to catch. We didn't have a bathroom attendant, the bathroom was at the back of the store and we were greatly short staffed. The dumb criminals were the ones who would just stuff merchandise into a backpack and run. It stopped happening so often because we had to hold the merchandise for people at the front but them walking to the bathroom without the original merchandise didn't necessarily mean they weren't going to pick up new merchandise along the way.
Bad Lunch Choice
We have a meeting room at the hotel that is used multiple times throughout the year. We provide coffee and tea service but it is up to the coordinator to supply lunch. The coordinators of these meetings aren't creative. I've only ever seen 3 catered lunches at the hotel including Subway sandwiches, Mexican food and Indian food which are all within walking distance. There is one group that consistently uses the meeting room and the coordinator actually provides her own treats for the group. So not only did the attendees have Mexican for lunch, they also snacked on Blueberry Navajo pie, Apricot Scones, Chocolate dipped pistachio cookies and whatever else randomness she makes.
Obviously that mixture of food didn't sit well with the group and they all rushed to the bathroom during their 15 minute break. We only had 2 bathrooms to be shared amongst 30 people in the span of 15 minutes. I won't get into the smells coming from the hallway but I will talk about the people. I've never had so many people dripping sweat and pressing their hands against their stomach ask me for a bathroom before. Some of the meeting attendees actually rented a room just so they could explode in a bathroom without waiting. It. Was. Hilarious. One woman begged me to use the non-existent employee bathroom that she was sure we had. Another was upset that there were only 2 bathrooms, and another asked us to open up one of the vacant rooms as a third bathroom.
All in all I laughed because I never stuff my face at a conference or meeting but I also question: What was in that food to get that reaction?
Nasty Ass
Now this one is rare. I would like to say once again that people do things they normally wouldn't do in their own home because they know someone else will be cleaning up after them.
The housekeeping staff is outstanding. They can clean the messiest of rooms in 30 minutes. I once cleaned 4 rooms and it took me 3 hours. On one occasion it was taking housekeeping over an hour to clean one of the rooms. Not only was it taking longer, multiple housekeepers were cleaning it when normally it's just 1 housekeeper per room. I later found out why it took them so long to finish.
Working Girl: Ernice you are leaving much later than usual. And you're covered in sweat. What's up?
Ernice (exhausted): Room 313. Poo.
Working Girl: Poo? Like they messed the bed? They missed the toilet?
Ernice: Everywhere.
Working Girl: Everywhere?
Ernice: Blood too.
Working Girl: WHAT!?
So after doing this back and forth with Ernice for a minute, I later found out exactly what she was saying. Room 313 smeared their blood and feces on the walls. Every wall. No one knows why. I had to think about who 313 was when they checked out.
Was it the couple that looked disheveled? No, I'm sure they got freaky but not THAT freaky.
Was it the really dirty guy that was at breakfast? No, he wasn't a guest. He was just a homeless guy that wandered in.
Was it that old couple? No, that wasn't their room number and they didn't look insane.
Then it dawned on me. It was that little Asian woman who was all smiles when she left. She had ruby red lipstick, earrings, a gray hoodie and a big smile from ear to ear as she checked out. Who could've known she was a bat shit crazy shit smearer? Go figure.
Date & Bible Study
When I was in college I worked on various parts of the newspaper. I wrote editorials, sports features, took photographs. It wasn't paid work but it paid in experience (which is why I don't talk about it). One day, after drinking giant cups of coffee and multiple bottles of water, I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. As I washed my hands a woman came from out of the stall and asked me if I believed in God. My initial reaction was "not if I someone were to accost me in a bathroom I don't" but instead I said "sure." She then went on and talked about our Lord and Savior and how the only way I won't be sent to eternal damnation is if I joined her Bible study.
Working Girl: Ya know, that all sounds holy and what not but I'm good.
Thumper: Well okay, but here's a flyer if you change your mind.
Working Girl: Thanks.
Just when I thought I could leave...
Thumper: So, um, are you seeing anyone?
Working Girl: What?
Thumper: Like do you have a girlfriend?
Working Girl: Sorry I...yes...a big, giant girlfriend of whom I love so very much. Talk to you later bye!
Did she think I would've agreed to a date after she told me I was going to hell in a bathroom? I don't even like to open my mouth in a public bathroom let alone carry a full on conversation and set up date plans.
Thieves R' Us
I'm not saying that anyone should steal. It's not okay and it sucks when something is stolen from you, but with that being said, it is extremely easy to steal. The office supply store actually had a public restroom. I understand why retail stores have restrooms but I don't know why the public is allowed to use them.
At the office supply store people would go into the bathroom with their hand baskets full of merchandise but leave it with an empty hand basket. This wasn't that difficult to figure out. But it was difficult to catch. We didn't have a bathroom attendant, the bathroom was at the back of the store and we were greatly short staffed. The dumb criminals were the ones who would just stuff merchandise into a backpack and run. It stopped happening so often because we had to hold the merchandise for people at the front but them walking to the bathroom without the original merchandise didn't necessarily mean they weren't going to pick up new merchandise along the way.
Bad Lunch Choice
We have a meeting room at the hotel that is used multiple times throughout the year. We provide coffee and tea service but it is up to the coordinator to supply lunch. The coordinators of these meetings aren't creative. I've only ever seen 3 catered lunches at the hotel including Subway sandwiches, Mexican food and Indian food which are all within walking distance. There is one group that consistently uses the meeting room and the coordinator actually provides her own treats for the group. So not only did the attendees have Mexican for lunch, they also snacked on Blueberry Navajo pie, Apricot Scones, Chocolate dipped pistachio cookies and whatever else randomness she makes.
Obviously that mixture of food didn't sit well with the group and they all rushed to the bathroom during their 15 minute break. We only had 2 bathrooms to be shared amongst 30 people in the span of 15 minutes. I won't get into the smells coming from the hallway but I will talk about the people. I've never had so many people dripping sweat and pressing their hands against their stomach ask me for a bathroom before. Some of the meeting attendees actually rented a room just so they could explode in a bathroom without waiting. It. Was. Hilarious. One woman begged me to use the non-existent employee bathroom that she was sure we had. Another was upset that there were only 2 bathrooms, and another asked us to open up one of the vacant rooms as a third bathroom.
All in all I laughed because I never stuff my face at a conference or meeting but I also question: What was in that food to get that reaction?
Nasty Ass
Now this one is rare. I would like to say once again that people do things they normally wouldn't do in their own home because they know someone else will be cleaning up after them.
The housekeeping staff is outstanding. They can clean the messiest of rooms in 30 minutes. I once cleaned 4 rooms and it took me 3 hours. On one occasion it was taking housekeeping over an hour to clean one of the rooms. Not only was it taking longer, multiple housekeepers were cleaning it when normally it's just 1 housekeeper per room. I later found out why it took them so long to finish.
Working Girl: Ernice you are leaving much later than usual. And you're covered in sweat. What's up?
Ernice (exhausted): Room 313. Poo.
Working Girl: Poo? Like they messed the bed? They missed the toilet?
Ernice: Everywhere.
Working Girl: Everywhere?
Ernice: Blood too.
Working Girl: WHAT!?
So after doing this back and forth with Ernice for a minute, I later found out exactly what she was saying. Room 313 smeared their blood and feces on the walls. Every wall. No one knows why. I had to think about who 313 was when they checked out.
Was it the couple that looked disheveled? No, I'm sure they got freaky but not THAT freaky.
Was it the really dirty guy that was at breakfast? No, he wasn't a guest. He was just a homeless guy that wandered in.
Was it that old couple? No, that wasn't their room number and they didn't look insane.
Then it dawned on me. It was that little Asian woman who was all smiles when she left. She had ruby red lipstick, earrings, a gray hoodie and a big smile from ear to ear as she checked out. Who could've known she was a bat shit crazy shit smearer? Go figure.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Sob Stories
Everyone has a sob story, especially when they are trying to get something to go their way. When I was a little girl I slapped the dog shit out of some other girl then I started crying, ran to tell a teacher that she said something racist to me (which was the reasoning behind the slap) and then she got in trouble while she had a big Working Girl hand print on her face. I see this everyday at work, except I'm the one getting slapped in the face.
Nowhere To Go
Early on when I was working at the hotel I had a girl come in with a baby. She was crying and shaking. She told me that she ran away from her abusive husband and was only able to grab her wallet. She had walked to the hotel without a phone and without any place to go. She asked me what the rate was.
Working Girl: The rate is $109.
Baby Mama: Oh, that's really expensive. Is there anything cheaper?
Working Girl: Unfortunately no. That is our cheapest rate. I can give you $10 off to make it $99.
Baby Mama: Thank you but that rate is still just too high.
Working Girl: Well there is another hotel down the street. It's not fancy but I'm sure they are cheaper and at least you'll have a bed to sleep in.
Baby Mama: I tried there. They are all sold out of their cheapest rooms. I just can't afford that.
At this point I really did feel bad. I don't like kids and I generally hate people but it was so wrong that she had to be forced out of her home with her baby because her husband was beating her up.
Working Girl: Well...we have a special rate for students. It's the lowest rate we have, I will give you that but if anyone asks you are a student. The rate is $89.
Baby Mama: Oh yes! Thank you, thank you. You have no idea what this means to me.
I gave her a 2 queen bed suite at the cheapest rate I could. I had never stuck my neck on the line for a guest but I felt good about it. Maybe she could use the phone in the room and if not call the police, than at least call someone that she knows to pick her up after she rested her head and let go of her worries for at least a few hours. I went home happy.
The next day at work I was informed that the room was TRASHED because a party had been thrown in there. WHAT!? Did that bitch really play me? Was that a fake baby? It didn't look fake. OH MY GOD WAS THE BABY A LITTLE PERSON!!!??? Either way, I got played. I told myself that never again would I feel bad for any guest. We all go through hard times but bitches like her will have to suffer through it.
Raider Fan
I bleed silver and black. I am a huge Oakland Raider fan and it just so happens that the restaurant across the street was hosting a party for the Raiders. Of course none of them showed up but hundreds of Raider fans did. There is nothing more beautiful than a group of Raider fans coming together. Because of the endless supply of alcohol and the storied decisions of Raider fans in the past, we were almost sold out. I had only one room left and I was sure that I'd sell it. Soon enough I got someone to bite, someone wearing a Raiders jersey.
Raider Fan: Hi. I need a room.
Working Girl: Okay. I have only one room. The rate it $109 plus tax.
Raider Fan: Oh.
Working Girl: Did you want to take it?
Raider Fan: See, I was at the Raider party across the street and my wallet got stolen. It just so happens because I was buying alcohol, I didn't put my cash or ID back in my wallet so I do have that but I don't have enough cash I think. How much would the total be?
Working Girl: The total, with tax, is $119.90
Raider Fan: Damn I don't have that.
Working Girl: Well I can give you the Triple - A discount. It takes $10 off. The total would then change to $108.90
Raider Fan: That might work. Let's see.
At this point he counts his cash. He has $104. SHIT! Here I go again, sometimes I wish I was the goddamn Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz... no heart to get in the way of shit.
Working Girl: I have $7 in cash on me. I will give you $5. Just don't trash the room.
Raider Fan: WHAT!? OH MY GOD! YOU'RE AWESOME. I CAN'T...YOU ARE THE BEST! I OWE YOU SOMETHING. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Working Girl: Don't worry about it.
I check him in, give him his keys and send him on his merry way. He walks out the door and comes back in 30 seconds later holding hands with some girl in a tight black dress, a purse, a leather Raider jacket and high heels....
WHERE DID THIS BITCH COME FROM!? She doesn't have $5 dollars to give you? Did you not have the money because you hired that prostitute? As he walked by with this ho, he points at me and says to her:
"That girl is AWESOME! I'm gonna have to buy her breakfast"
WHERE DID THIS BREAKFAST MONEY COME FROM NOW?
The Neighborhood
I had a guest who's been staying with us recently and his life is in shambles. Everything bad that could happen to anyone, happened to this guy. Not only was he an alcoholic, he was very open about his life. He told the front desk many sad things from his life including:
Being molested as a kid
Having an obvious drinking problem
Depression
Suicidal Thoughts
Fear of being around "normal people"
Not being able to sleep for weeks at a time
Chain smoker
and worst of all, he was driving the car that killed his wife and 2 young daughters
This man had no reason to live. And though he is very very nice, you can't help but want to smack some sense into him. Even though he visibly had some issues, the more stories that were revealed, the harder it became to believe him. He told me that he was a quadruplet with a twin sister who looks nothing like him but they have ESP. The stories were just getting ridiculous but because he was so noticeably disturbed, we never thought about it. We all just felt bad for him. Though it was difficult to not cry every time he would make the long walk from his room, we all knew the story as to why he was there in the first place.
He came to the Bay Area for some reason that was never told to us. When he was about to go back home he had a few too many drinks at the airport bar. He basically was too drunk to sit. He checked all of his bags so when he was not allowed to board, his belongings were on the plane going home without him. He decided to drown his sorrows with more of the Devil's juice. He made his way to a local bar that wasn't at the airport. He began flirting with a woman at the bar. He gave her some cash to take him outside. I can only assume he was trying to get a Handy J. She took him outside behind the building where she had four of her male friends waiting. They beat him up and robbed him for his cash. They didn't take his wallet which is the only way he was able to get a hotel room.
That story sucks. He never should've been jumped on by a group of guys especially when he was already inebriated. Then of course you can make the argument that he should not be trying to get a [insert word regarding a sexual act] job in a strange city in the first place. She could see him coming from a mile away.
He finally left the hotel after drinking away the embarrassment for six weeks. We all really want him to be okay and to turn his life around. Hopefully, though highly unlikely, he's learned from this experience. Don't trust a ho.
Nowhere To Go
Early on when I was working at the hotel I had a girl come in with a baby. She was crying and shaking. She told me that she ran away from her abusive husband and was only able to grab her wallet. She had walked to the hotel without a phone and without any place to go. She asked me what the rate was.
Working Girl: The rate is $109.
Baby Mama: Oh, that's really expensive. Is there anything cheaper?
Working Girl: Unfortunately no. That is our cheapest rate. I can give you $10 off to make it $99.
Baby Mama: Thank you but that rate is still just too high.
Working Girl: Well there is another hotel down the street. It's not fancy but I'm sure they are cheaper and at least you'll have a bed to sleep in.
Baby Mama: I tried there. They are all sold out of their cheapest rooms. I just can't afford that.
At this point I really did feel bad. I don't like kids and I generally hate people but it was so wrong that she had to be forced out of her home with her baby because her husband was beating her up.
Working Girl: Well...we have a special rate for students. It's the lowest rate we have, I will give you that but if anyone asks you are a student. The rate is $89.
Baby Mama: Oh yes! Thank you, thank you. You have no idea what this means to me.
I gave her a 2 queen bed suite at the cheapest rate I could. I had never stuck my neck on the line for a guest but I felt good about it. Maybe she could use the phone in the room and if not call the police, than at least call someone that she knows to pick her up after she rested her head and let go of her worries for at least a few hours. I went home happy.
The next day at work I was informed that the room was TRASHED because a party had been thrown in there. WHAT!? Did that bitch really play me? Was that a fake baby? It didn't look fake. OH MY GOD WAS THE BABY A LITTLE PERSON!!!??? Either way, I got played. I told myself that never again would I feel bad for any guest. We all go through hard times but bitches like her will have to suffer through it.
Raider Fan
I bleed silver and black. I am a huge Oakland Raider fan and it just so happens that the restaurant across the street was hosting a party for the Raiders. Of course none of them showed up but hundreds of Raider fans did. There is nothing more beautiful than a group of Raider fans coming together. Because of the endless supply of alcohol and the storied decisions of Raider fans in the past, we were almost sold out. I had only one room left and I was sure that I'd sell it. Soon enough I got someone to bite, someone wearing a Raiders jersey.
Raider Fan: Hi. I need a room.
Working Girl: Okay. I have only one room. The rate it $109 plus tax.
Raider Fan: Oh.
Working Girl: Did you want to take it?
Raider Fan: See, I was at the Raider party across the street and my wallet got stolen. It just so happens because I was buying alcohol, I didn't put my cash or ID back in my wallet so I do have that but I don't have enough cash I think. How much would the total be?
Working Girl: The total, with tax, is $119.90
Raider Fan: Damn I don't have that.
Working Girl: Well I can give you the Triple - A discount. It takes $10 off. The total would then change to $108.90
Raider Fan: That might work. Let's see.
At this point he counts his cash. He has $104. SHIT! Here I go again, sometimes I wish I was the goddamn Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz... no heart to get in the way of shit.
Working Girl: I have $7 in cash on me. I will give you $5. Just don't trash the room.
Raider Fan: WHAT!? OH MY GOD! YOU'RE AWESOME. I CAN'T...YOU ARE THE BEST! I OWE YOU SOMETHING. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Working Girl: Don't worry about it.
I check him in, give him his keys and send him on his merry way. He walks out the door and comes back in 30 seconds later holding hands with some girl in a tight black dress, a purse, a leather Raider jacket and high heels....
WHERE DID THIS BITCH COME FROM!? She doesn't have $5 dollars to give you? Did you not have the money because you hired that prostitute? As he walked by with this ho, he points at me and says to her:
"That girl is AWESOME! I'm gonna have to buy her breakfast"
WHERE DID THIS BREAKFAST MONEY COME FROM NOW?
The Neighborhood
I had a guest who's been staying with us recently and his life is in shambles. Everything bad that could happen to anyone, happened to this guy. Not only was he an alcoholic, he was very open about his life. He told the front desk many sad things from his life including:
Being molested as a kid
Having an obvious drinking problem
Depression
Suicidal Thoughts
Fear of being around "normal people"
Not being able to sleep for weeks at a time
Chain smoker
and worst of all, he was driving the car that killed his wife and 2 young daughters
This man had no reason to live. And though he is very very nice, you can't help but want to smack some sense into him. Even though he visibly had some issues, the more stories that were revealed, the harder it became to believe him. He told me that he was a quadruplet with a twin sister who looks nothing like him but they have ESP. The stories were just getting ridiculous but because he was so noticeably disturbed, we never thought about it. We all just felt bad for him. Though it was difficult to not cry every time he would make the long walk from his room, we all knew the story as to why he was there in the first place.
He came to the Bay Area for some reason that was never told to us. When he was about to go back home he had a few too many drinks at the airport bar. He basically was too drunk to sit. He checked all of his bags so when he was not allowed to board, his belongings were on the plane going home without him. He decided to drown his sorrows with more of the Devil's juice. He made his way to a local bar that wasn't at the airport. He began flirting with a woman at the bar. He gave her some cash to take him outside. I can only assume he was trying to get a Handy J. She took him outside behind the building where she had four of her male friends waiting. They beat him up and robbed him for his cash. They didn't take his wallet which is the only way he was able to get a hotel room.
That story sucks. He never should've been jumped on by a group of guys especially when he was already inebriated. Then of course you can make the argument that he should not be trying to get a [insert word regarding a sexual act] job in a strange city in the first place. She could see him coming from a mile away.
He finally left the hotel after drinking away the embarrassment for six weeks. We all really want him to be okay and to turn his life around. Hopefully, though highly unlikely, he's learned from this experience. Don't trust a ho.
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