I've already described to you briefly who Tani Gold was. This will tell you a little more about her.
Tani Gold was one of those girls who tried to turn shit into gold. Sometimes, it is just a nugget of shit. Her boyfriend? Nugget of shit. Her relationship with her family? Nugget of shit. Her hair? Nugget of shit with a weave. Her Spongebob Squarepants body? Nugget of shit. Her optimism would have been cute if it wasn't for the fact that it was coming from her busted face. She just was not a good person and because of it, her life was in shambles.
Her boyfriend broke up with her, her relationship with her family continued to get worse, her hair--let's not even discuss her hair. At some point she started coming to work with a rag on her head like Aunt Jamima. I'm quite disappointed that she never offered me any pancakes. Bitch.
Due to her being such an awful person in real life, she looked to gain friends in a virtual life. Her real friends barely liked her, they actually threw her in a dumpster after a night of boozing it up and the entire staff hated her. The only way she could get someone to consider her anything more than a beast would have to be through an online channel. Where they couldn't see her.
Sometimes Tani would work the Night Audit shift. The Night Audit shift is boring, no guests, no real entertainment, just trying to keep yourself awake during the wee hours of the night. During Night Audit, Tani would frequent a chat website which was a virtual bar. You could buy people a drink, send it to them and then start up a conversation. I had never heard of the website before but Tani being on it, so she can get as virtually plastered as she does in real life, totally makes sense.
One night Tani was involved in a conversation with a guy. I can only assume it started off the way every online chat does:
Age?
Sex?
Location?
Wanna see my dick?
Apparently this guy asked one more question: Race? Tani told him she was African-American and like any other online perv, he took that as an invitation to tell her all of his freaky black girl fantasies.
CyberPerv: Oh you're black!? Awesome. Ya know, I've never banged a black chick before. I've always wanted to.
Now this is where I thought Tani would've flirted back about how she would take him to pancake town but this conversation took a turn for the worst.
Tani: Um I am AFRICAN-AMERICAN! I think it is totally disrespectful of you to call me black. You act like you've never seen an African-American before. Our president is African-American. Don't be so close minded.
She basically UNLEASHED on him over the term 'black.' I understand that people like to be called what they feel is best fitting to them but the poor guy was just trying to get some cyber sex going on. After a hundred times saying "sorry" she still continued berating him as if he told her he was wearing a Confederate Flag T-shirt and drinking beer out of a big-lipped Mammy mug. That was the end of their conversation but I don't know if that was the end of Tani's time on the website.
Like I said, Night Audit was a boring shift and it was a shift that Tani worked alone so how would I know that all of this happened? Because Tani took a screenshot of the entire conversation with that guy and saved it to the hotel's computer. WE ALL READ IT. We all were in shock that she was on the website at work in first place and the fact she felt the need to save it. Why would she save it? Did she take pride in setting that boy straight virtually? Was she happy with herself for not playing 'black beauty' in a slave/owner sex game? What was so significant about this conversation that she felt it needed to be saved on the work computer?
We later found out the conversation was not all she saved. She also saved pictures of herself in a bikini-- I'm sorry, I had to choke back my vomit. She also saved the pictures guys sent to her on the work computer. After pissing off one of my coworkers, my coworker took one of Tani's saved photos and made it the desktop background on the hotel's computer.
The owner advised her to not save anything else because we all hated her.
But that still wasn't the last of Tani Gold.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Management
I've had a lot of managers throughout my work experience. I've only ever had a major problem with one of them, Mr. Budweiser, but for the most part they have all been pretty good people. Some of them I've liked more than others but all of them were quirky in their own special way. This is a description of each of manager as a person not about their jobs, that shit is boring.
Pat
Pat was the first store manager at the office supply store. He was a very nice guy. He seemed like a really relaxed person during and outside of work. I think there were very few instances where I witnessed him get annoyed. Outside of Pat being a nice guy he was adorable. Every girl who worked there had a little crush on Pat. What I remember most was his hair. He had the most luxurious, model like hair I've ever seen. His hair was similar to NBA player Matt Barnes. Luxurious. As. Shit. I was completely devoted to Pat which is why I switched stores and why I really was upset about quitting the office supply store. He was definitely one of the best managers I have ever had.
Jazzy
Jazzy was specifically my manager at the office supply store. She ran the copy center. She was amazing at her job, unbelievably creative and just all around a good person. She was somewhat of a wandering butterfly; she never stayed in one place too long but was completely lovable. She became more of a friend than a manager to me which I found really cool. She was greatly overworked and underpaid; she always had the potential to be one of the greatest print designers of our time. Her wandering spirit got in the way of her ever really laying roots anywhere but she was a really refreshing person to be around.
Chen
Chen-Doll is what I called her. She balanced being Asian-American better than I've ever seen anyone do it. Where she had a fondness for everything Hello Kitty, she also rocked blonde streaks in her hair. One of my favorite things to hear Chen say was "Oooh girl!" and then laugh. She was young and smart and just all around a cool person. She was one of the youngest managers which made her one of the coolest managers. Every staff member who got to close the store with Chen knew it was gonna be a fun night. Still to this day she is one of the coolest people I have ever known.
CoCo
CoCo was my copy center manager at the store I switched to. She was unbelievably cheerful. Everything made her smile. It was hilarious. At the time she was a newlywed and genuinely had a "glass half full" outlook on life. She still has that same attitude to this day. CoCo was the first person I've met in my life who was that happy all the time, and after getting over the initial confusion about it, I realized how great of a person CoCo truly is.
Condii
Condii was the first manager I had at the hotel. I had been working there for over a year before the owner decided to seek out a manager. Condii is a very nice person. She is very talkative, extremely in love with her husband and insane. She is the good insane though. I've never had a manager with such a big personality. At first all of us at the front desk were thinking "Woah!" but the more we got to know her, the more we liked her.
Sandy
Sandy is my current boss. He was my manager before Condii and though he is a very nice man, he can be a little too much for some people. He freaks out over everything, everything is a big deal. I have a feeling that if he does have a heart attack it will be stress induced from his own fears. He tells me about how he doesn't sleep, and he's always checking his phone just because he is afraid that something will go wrong. He definitely trusts the staff, I don't think that is the problem, he just doesn't know how to relax. He can be really funny, really interesting and really nice at times but then sometimes he is the opposite of all those things. It is refreshing to see an owner who really takes pride in his business and does everything he can to make it as great as it can be but he needs to understand that hotel guests are full of shit. They say everything and anything because they have a second agenda which is to get a discount or just wreak havoc in their trail. When he starts to realize that, then we will all be happy.
Curly Sue
Curly Sue was one of the managers I had at the office supply store. From the first time I met him I knew he was going to annoy the shit outta me. He was an older man who was sick of working but couldn't afford to retire. He hated the copy center with a passion and told me multiple times that he found it useless to the store. He hated the customers who came into the store just to go to the copy center. He once sent a customer back over to me to ring up because he refused to do so even though I had a counter full of people and was all by myself. I didn't like him and I just ignored him. He started to soften up a bit but that still didn't change my feelings toward him. After I quit the job, he stepped down from his manager position. Unfortunately, due to an accident at the store, Curly Sue died. That job killed him and I will always believe that. I would never wish death upon someone, no matter how much I dislike them and I do find it tragic and unfortunate that he was dealt those cards. I truly do hope that his family has worked through their emotions since the time of his passing and remember him for everything he was except the manager at an office supply store.
Pat
Pat was the first store manager at the office supply store. He was a very nice guy. He seemed like a really relaxed person during and outside of work. I think there were very few instances where I witnessed him get annoyed. Outside of Pat being a nice guy he was adorable. Every girl who worked there had a little crush on Pat. What I remember most was his hair. He had the most luxurious, model like hair I've ever seen. His hair was similar to NBA player Matt Barnes. Luxurious. As. Shit. I was completely devoted to Pat which is why I switched stores and why I really was upset about quitting the office supply store. He was definitely one of the best managers I have ever had.
Jazzy
Jazzy was specifically my manager at the office supply store. She ran the copy center. She was amazing at her job, unbelievably creative and just all around a good person. She was somewhat of a wandering butterfly; she never stayed in one place too long but was completely lovable. She became more of a friend than a manager to me which I found really cool. She was greatly overworked and underpaid; she always had the potential to be one of the greatest print designers of our time. Her wandering spirit got in the way of her ever really laying roots anywhere but she was a really refreshing person to be around.
Chen
Chen-Doll is what I called her. She balanced being Asian-American better than I've ever seen anyone do it. Where she had a fondness for everything Hello Kitty, she also rocked blonde streaks in her hair. One of my favorite things to hear Chen say was "Oooh girl!" and then laugh. She was young and smart and just all around a cool person. She was one of the youngest managers which made her one of the coolest managers. Every staff member who got to close the store with Chen knew it was gonna be a fun night. Still to this day she is one of the coolest people I have ever known.
CoCo
CoCo was my copy center manager at the store I switched to. She was unbelievably cheerful. Everything made her smile. It was hilarious. At the time she was a newlywed and genuinely had a "glass half full" outlook on life. She still has that same attitude to this day. CoCo was the first person I've met in my life who was that happy all the time, and after getting over the initial confusion about it, I realized how great of a person CoCo truly is.
Condii
Condii was the first manager I had at the hotel. I had been working there for over a year before the owner decided to seek out a manager. Condii is a very nice person. She is very talkative, extremely in love with her husband and insane. She is the good insane though. I've never had a manager with such a big personality. At first all of us at the front desk were thinking "Woah!" but the more we got to know her, the more we liked her.
Sandy
Sandy is my current boss. He was my manager before Condii and though he is a very nice man, he can be a little too much for some people. He freaks out over everything, everything is a big deal. I have a feeling that if he does have a heart attack it will be stress induced from his own fears. He tells me about how he doesn't sleep, and he's always checking his phone just because he is afraid that something will go wrong. He definitely trusts the staff, I don't think that is the problem, he just doesn't know how to relax. He can be really funny, really interesting and really nice at times but then sometimes he is the opposite of all those things. It is refreshing to see an owner who really takes pride in his business and does everything he can to make it as great as it can be but he needs to understand that hotel guests are full of shit. They say everything and anything because they have a second agenda which is to get a discount or just wreak havoc in their trail. When he starts to realize that, then we will all be happy.
Curly Sue
Curly Sue was one of the managers I had at the office supply store. From the first time I met him I knew he was going to annoy the shit outta me. He was an older man who was sick of working but couldn't afford to retire. He hated the copy center with a passion and told me multiple times that he found it useless to the store. He hated the customers who came into the store just to go to the copy center. He once sent a customer back over to me to ring up because he refused to do so even though I had a counter full of people and was all by myself. I didn't like him and I just ignored him. He started to soften up a bit but that still didn't change my feelings toward him. After I quit the job, he stepped down from his manager position. Unfortunately, due to an accident at the store, Curly Sue died. That job killed him and I will always believe that. I would never wish death upon someone, no matter how much I dislike them and I do find it tragic and unfortunate that he was dealt those cards. I truly do hope that his family has worked through their emotions since the time of his passing and remember him for everything he was except the manager at an office supply store.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Reviews
This post is an inspired piece. This is all about reviews. I recently had a long discussion about reviews with my boss, specifically one review from some crazy bitch. Due to the fact that this discriminatory bitch wanted to talk shit, my boss basically puts himself into cardiac arrest for no goddamn reason at all.
For the most part, reviews aren't that bad. They are people telling other people the pros and cons of a business but the negative side to reviews is that PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS. People talk about shit they have no clue about. It is the same thing as a YouTube comment on a video. Those assholes that hide behind their computer screens to talk shit are little pansy bitches, the people who write scathing online reviews but don't tell the business their complaints prior to writing the reviews are pansy ass bitches.
The worst part is that these dummies don't realize or even give a shit about the mess they leave behind. People get fired over the fact that someone goes online and writes some bullshit that is either completely untrue or not that big of a goddamn deal.
I personally don't get bad reviews written about me, I have a work face. I can pretend like I care all while wishing you go play in traffic at the same time. I have read plenty of reviews that are so ridiculous it makes it hard to believe that people like this actually exist.
Picture Bitch
There is a review online of my hotel that claims the pictures on the website aren't what you see when you go into the hotel. She took maybe 12 pictures and posted them online saying it wasn't the same. The pictures weren't bad, it showed clean rooms, a clean lobby and the indoor hot tub. The pictures didn't show vomit or shit all over the walls, just a normal hotel, so why waste your time?
She complained that the pictures on the website were different. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Did you think that we normally keep candles lit around the spa? That's a fire hazard you stupid ass. People doctor photos, not to deceive people but to make something look better. Ask every whore on Instagram. They wear tight shit and stick out their asses so that it takes away from the fact that their face is similar to a Golden Retriever.
Rate Complaining
This is very common in reviews. This can be found in reviews for restaurants, hotels, stores and etc, but the answer to this is DON'T GO THERE YOU CHEAP BASTARDS! No one is forcing you to pay $50 for Sushi just like no one is forcing you to pay $150 to sleep in a hotel room. If these things are causing you to live beyond your means then don't partake. This is always the most ridiculous thing to complain about to me. After trying to get as many discounts as possible, people still have the nerve to complain about the rate in order to get more of a discount. If you can't afford nice things then call it wash, do not manipulate and complain in order to get something cheaper than its value.
Discrimination
These people are the worst. A review is meant to tell others about an experience that stems from quality and customer service. The people who make personal attacks in a review are the people who need to say something negative and can find nothing negative to say. For some unexplainable reason, people like to add in smart ass comments about someone's personal appearance. Why? As an adult you should know that bullying only makes you look stupid, not anybody else.
This post was inspired by a review from a woman who said that she does not speak to people with piercings/tattoos because she finds it gross and therefore the fact that one of my employees has a piercing made her stay unsatisfactory. WHAT!? How? Why? Look, its 2013 and everyone and their mom has a tattoo/piercing. Don't leave your house if that is how you feel. But definitely do not write a review that somehow links a piercing to an unsatisfactory hotel stay.
I have plenty more comments from guests that are just as stupid but I won't post them in this one. Just be aware that there is plenty more stupidity to come from customers/guests that I will post soon enough.
For the most part, reviews aren't that bad. They are people telling other people the pros and cons of a business but the negative side to reviews is that PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS. People talk about shit they have no clue about. It is the same thing as a YouTube comment on a video. Those assholes that hide behind their computer screens to talk shit are little pansy bitches, the people who write scathing online reviews but don't tell the business their complaints prior to writing the reviews are pansy ass bitches.
The worst part is that these dummies don't realize or even give a shit about the mess they leave behind. People get fired over the fact that someone goes online and writes some bullshit that is either completely untrue or not that big of a goddamn deal.
I personally don't get bad reviews written about me, I have a work face. I can pretend like I care all while wishing you go play in traffic at the same time. I have read plenty of reviews that are so ridiculous it makes it hard to believe that people like this actually exist.
Picture Bitch
There is a review online of my hotel that claims the pictures on the website aren't what you see when you go into the hotel. She took maybe 12 pictures and posted them online saying it wasn't the same. The pictures weren't bad, it showed clean rooms, a clean lobby and the indoor hot tub. The pictures didn't show vomit or shit all over the walls, just a normal hotel, so why waste your time?
She complained that the pictures on the website were different. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Did you think that we normally keep candles lit around the spa? That's a fire hazard you stupid ass. People doctor photos, not to deceive people but to make something look better. Ask every whore on Instagram. They wear tight shit and stick out their asses so that it takes away from the fact that their face is similar to a Golden Retriever.
Rate Complaining
This is very common in reviews. This can be found in reviews for restaurants, hotels, stores and etc, but the answer to this is DON'T GO THERE YOU CHEAP BASTARDS! No one is forcing you to pay $50 for Sushi just like no one is forcing you to pay $150 to sleep in a hotel room. If these things are causing you to live beyond your means then don't partake. This is always the most ridiculous thing to complain about to me. After trying to get as many discounts as possible, people still have the nerve to complain about the rate in order to get more of a discount. If you can't afford nice things then call it wash, do not manipulate and complain in order to get something cheaper than its value.
Discrimination
These people are the worst. A review is meant to tell others about an experience that stems from quality and customer service. The people who make personal attacks in a review are the people who need to say something negative and can find nothing negative to say. For some unexplainable reason, people like to add in smart ass comments about someone's personal appearance. Why? As an adult you should know that bullying only makes you look stupid, not anybody else.
This post was inspired by a review from a woman who said that she does not speak to people with piercings/tattoos because she finds it gross and therefore the fact that one of my employees has a piercing made her stay unsatisfactory. WHAT!? How? Why? Look, its 2013 and everyone and their mom has a tattoo/piercing. Don't leave your house if that is how you feel. But definitely do not write a review that somehow links a piercing to an unsatisfactory hotel stay.
I have plenty more comments from guests that are just as stupid but I won't post them in this one. Just be aware that there is plenty more stupidity to come from customers/guests that I will post soon enough.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Pimpin' Ain't Easy
As I told you, I switched stores after nearly working at the office supply store for a year. The new store was a bit further out but at least I was away from Mr. Budweiser.
The store I moved to was much bigger than the old one. The copy station was three times as big but the amount of customers was 1/3 of the other. This store was the definition of slow. Nine times out of ten there were more employees than there were customers inside of the store.
Outside of not being around king of the assholes, Mr. Budweiser, the good thing about the new store was the customers were different. The old store was in a neighborhood that was pretty snobby so the customers never wanted to do for themselves. The customers at this new store kept to themselves mostly and asked for very little. I don't think I saw any customer there more than once....except for Silky Slim.
Silky Slim was a pimp. Not the type of pimp that rappers talk about, but a real pimp. He was an older gentleman who came in with a fur coat and a cane. I later found out that he carved all of his canes himself, quite the worldly man he was. Because of his age, I couldn't imagine that he slapped around his "employees" or anything but he had all of the pimp like characteristics:
1. He wore a fur coat, suit and big hat ALWAYS.
2. He walked with a cane.
3. He kept a rubber band around his money.
4. HE WAS A GODDAMN PIMP!
Not only was he a pimp, he was creative. Every Saturday morning he would come into the store with a piece of paper that had letters cut out of magazines to make words glued on it. It looked like one of those notes that a kidnapper leaves behind. He made a new one every week. They all had sayings and quotes by Silky Slim himself. They didn't make a bit of sense but don't hate the player, hate the game muthaf....
Anyway, he came in every Saturday morning with his sayings and asked me to make him copies. The number of copies never changed and the way he said it never changed.
Silky Slim: Let me get about 12.
I still, to this day, don't know what "about 12" copies means. Is it 12? Is it 13? Why wouldn't he just say the exact number he wanted? A real pimp is assertive. A real pimp knows what he wants. He should have demanded those 12 copies from me, no please, no thank you, and add a "Ho" in there for good measure.
The weird thing to me was that if you see the same person every week for months at a time, you might start to recognize them. Silky Slim always acted like I was a brand new person. I didn't want to explain to him that this wasn't our first exchange for fear of getting backhanded.
The store I moved to was much bigger than the old one. The copy station was three times as big but the amount of customers was 1/3 of the other. This store was the definition of slow. Nine times out of ten there were more employees than there were customers inside of the store.
Outside of not being around king of the assholes, Mr. Budweiser, the good thing about the new store was the customers were different. The old store was in a neighborhood that was pretty snobby so the customers never wanted to do for themselves. The customers at this new store kept to themselves mostly and asked for very little. I don't think I saw any customer there more than once....except for Silky Slim.
Silky Slim was a pimp. Not the type of pimp that rappers talk about, but a real pimp. He was an older gentleman who came in with a fur coat and a cane. I later found out that he carved all of his canes himself, quite the worldly man he was. Because of his age, I couldn't imagine that he slapped around his "employees" or anything but he had all of the pimp like characteristics:
1. He wore a fur coat, suit and big hat ALWAYS.
2. He walked with a cane.
3. He kept a rubber band around his money.
4. HE WAS A GODDAMN PIMP!
Not only was he a pimp, he was creative. Every Saturday morning he would come into the store with a piece of paper that had letters cut out of magazines to make words glued on it. It looked like one of those notes that a kidnapper leaves behind. He made a new one every week. They all had sayings and quotes by Silky Slim himself. They didn't make a bit of sense but don't hate the player, hate the game muthaf....
Anyway, he came in every Saturday morning with his sayings and asked me to make him copies. The number of copies never changed and the way he said it never changed.
Silky Slim: Let me get about 12.
I still, to this day, don't know what "about 12" copies means. Is it 12? Is it 13? Why wouldn't he just say the exact number he wanted? A real pimp is assertive. A real pimp knows what he wants. He should have demanded those 12 copies from me, no please, no thank you, and add a "Ho" in there for good measure.
The weird thing to me was that if you see the same person every week for months at a time, you might start to recognize them. Silky Slim always acted like I was a brand new person. I didn't want to explain to him that this wasn't our first exchange for fear of getting backhanded.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
The Best Little Whorehouse in the Bay
I don't know what I thought happened in a hotel before I worked there. I had no idea. One of my best friends worked there long before I did but she neglected to tell me how many of the guests come in to bang.
This isn't a post about banging, I've done one of those already and though there will DEFINITELY be another, this is a little similar to my favorite guests. A lot of the nicest guests I've had are men (obviously) but these men came in for one thing and one thing only.
The first 2 1/2 years of me working at the hotel, I worked Friday and Saturday night. Those are the "party" nights, the "one night stand" nights, but mostly at the hotel they were the "my male guests told their wives they had to work late so that they could come to the Bay and bang their bitches" nights.
You can always tell when a guest is here to get down with the get down:
1. Cash Payment -- You could tell them rooms cost $300, they will pay for it in cash.
2. NO Credit card on file-- There will be no paper trail. Not only do they pay for the room in cash, they put down extra for incidentals without blinking.
3. Fast-- Check them in as quickly as possible. You may engage in some conversation with them but remember that they are basically 15 year old boys trying to rub up against anything that will let them.
4. Alone-- All the guys I've checked in ALWAYS check in alone. I don't actually know why. Maybe they need a break from scraping their skin off with the zipper on their jeans but they ALWAYS check in alone.
5. Locals Only-- They live in the area, no more than 45 minutes away. It doesn't make sense that they spend that much money to sleep when they have a bed 15 minutes away, unless the person sleeping with them in their bed at home isn't the same person sleeping with them in their hotel room.
Either way, these guys are really nice. Really good people aside from, ya know, the cheating thing.
Mr. Barbara Streisand
His name has nothing to do with who he is or how he looked; he just had a pretty famous last name. He was my first experience with adultery. He was at the hotel frequently, every other week I believe. He would check in, alone, and then go up to the room, alone. This confused me until I saw him sneak a girl in through the back door of the hotel. Maybe he wasn't the only one with a famous name. I never saw her face but they developed a nice routine. He wined and dined her at the Mexican restaurant across the street and then he came to get a room. That was always the last I saw of him. From my knowledge he never actually checked out, he just left.
Mr. NBA
He isn't in the NBA but he fit the stereotype: tall, dark, handsome, muscular, and mistress was not of his same race. I like him because he just didn't give a shit. He was a cheater but he was honest. He always told me why he was there. He lived by the same 5 Get-Down rules but he definitely wasn't shy about it.
Once when I told him to "have a good night" he looked his mistress up and down, turned to me, and said "Oh it's about to be a GREAT night."
One Friday it was his birthday and after he snuck in the mistress, she came storming down about an hour later. He came down after her, came up to me and said "Ya know, it's not always just about the physical. I just want to talk." WHAT!? How is it NOT about the physical? I'd be pretty pissed if I was her too! If I wanted to talk I'd be at home with my husband and children, not in a hotel room with your ass.
The very next night he came in again, then when he brought in the mistress it was a new girl. Not the same girl he brought in time and time again. As he held her hand and walked by the front desk he said "I've got me a new friend."
Now I'm um happy (?) to report that Mr. NBA and his mistress are getting married. WHAT. THE. F..!
Mr. Freak-Fest
Same shit, different guy. He and his mistress were much more secretive. Neither of them spoke much English and their routine was as follows:
He would come in. He would get a room. He would gesture to her from the lobby. He would proceed to go upstairs. She came in with MOUNTAINS of food. They would use the room for about 4 hours. He would come down and drop off the keys. She would come down looking completely disheveled.
This happened once a month.
None of us knew what went on in the room aside from sex but we made up this story in our heads:
He was a man of few words because it was part of the game they played. She was a dominatrix and he was her slave with a food fetish. She would beat the dog shit out of him while forcing him to eat out a dog bowl. Finally they would have gross, sticky, disgusting sex and then clean up and ship out.
We don't know if this was true. But it's much more entertaining than eating then banging like it's the Hulk Hogan sex tape.
"I can't believe I just ate 10 minutes ago. I feel like a pig"
Mr. Surprise- Surprise
This guy, again, was no different than the others. He was there frequently and did everything they did. He was a surprise though because not only did he ALWAYS tip the front desk, he was ALWAYS wearing that chick out. She came down looking a hot mess. They were the only couple that stayed the entire night and she would come out of that room looking as if she had no idea where she was, who she was or how she got there. He had a smirk on his face that said "Yeah. I did that."
He was a skinny chain smoker who could barely complete a sentence without coughing heavily. Apparently you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or a Sex God by his smoker's cough.
This isn't a post about banging, I've done one of those already and though there will DEFINITELY be another, this is a little similar to my favorite guests. A lot of the nicest guests I've had are men (obviously) but these men came in for one thing and one thing only.
The first 2 1/2 years of me working at the hotel, I worked Friday and Saturday night. Those are the "party" nights, the "one night stand" nights, but mostly at the hotel they were the "my male guests told their wives they had to work late so that they could come to the Bay and bang their bitches" nights.
You can always tell when a guest is here to get down with the get down:
1. Cash Payment -- You could tell them rooms cost $300, they will pay for it in cash.
2. NO Credit card on file-- There will be no paper trail. Not only do they pay for the room in cash, they put down extra for incidentals without blinking.
3. Fast-- Check them in as quickly as possible. You may engage in some conversation with them but remember that they are basically 15 year old boys trying to rub up against anything that will let them.
4. Alone-- All the guys I've checked in ALWAYS check in alone. I don't actually know why. Maybe they need a break from scraping their skin off with the zipper on their jeans but they ALWAYS check in alone.
5. Locals Only-- They live in the area, no more than 45 minutes away. It doesn't make sense that they spend that much money to sleep when they have a bed 15 minutes away, unless the person sleeping with them in their bed at home isn't the same person sleeping with them in their hotel room.
Either way, these guys are really nice. Really good people aside from, ya know, the cheating thing.
Mr. Barbara Streisand
His name has nothing to do with who he is or how he looked; he just had a pretty famous last name. He was my first experience with adultery. He was at the hotel frequently, every other week I believe. He would check in, alone, and then go up to the room, alone. This confused me until I saw him sneak a girl in through the back door of the hotel. Maybe he wasn't the only one with a famous name. I never saw her face but they developed a nice routine. He wined and dined her at the Mexican restaurant across the street and then he came to get a room. That was always the last I saw of him. From my knowledge he never actually checked out, he just left.
Mr. NBA
He isn't in the NBA but he fit the stereotype: tall, dark, handsome, muscular, and mistress was not of his same race. I like him because he just didn't give a shit. He was a cheater but he was honest. He always told me why he was there. He lived by the same 5 Get-Down rules but he definitely wasn't shy about it.
Once when I told him to "have a good night" he looked his mistress up and down, turned to me, and said "Oh it's about to be a GREAT night."
One Friday it was his birthday and after he snuck in the mistress, she came storming down about an hour later. He came down after her, came up to me and said "Ya know, it's not always just about the physical. I just want to talk." WHAT!? How is it NOT about the physical? I'd be pretty pissed if I was her too! If I wanted to talk I'd be at home with my husband and children, not in a hotel room with your ass.
The very next night he came in again, then when he brought in the mistress it was a new girl. Not the same girl he brought in time and time again. As he held her hand and walked by the front desk he said "I've got me a new friend."
Now I'm um happy (?) to report that Mr. NBA and his mistress are getting married. WHAT. THE. F..!
Mr. Freak-Fest
Same shit, different guy. He and his mistress were much more secretive. Neither of them spoke much English and their routine was as follows:
He would come in. He would get a room. He would gesture to her from the lobby. He would proceed to go upstairs. She came in with MOUNTAINS of food. They would use the room for about 4 hours. He would come down and drop off the keys. She would come down looking completely disheveled.
This happened once a month.
None of us knew what went on in the room aside from sex but we made up this story in our heads:
He was a man of few words because it was part of the game they played. She was a dominatrix and he was her slave with a food fetish. She would beat the dog shit out of him while forcing him to eat out a dog bowl. Finally they would have gross, sticky, disgusting sex and then clean up and ship out.
We don't know if this was true. But it's much more entertaining than eating then banging like it's the Hulk Hogan sex tape.
"I can't believe I just ate 10 minutes ago. I feel like a pig"
Mr. Surprise- Surprise
This guy, again, was no different than the others. He was there frequently and did everything they did. He was a surprise though because not only did he ALWAYS tip the front desk, he was ALWAYS wearing that chick out. She came down looking a hot mess. They were the only couple that stayed the entire night and she would come out of that room looking as if she had no idea where she was, who she was or how she got there. He had a smirk on his face that said "Yeah. I did that."
He was a skinny chain smoker who could barely complete a sentence without coughing heavily. Apparently you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or a Sex God by his smoker's cough.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Never Leave Anything Behind
Today I was reading an article about guests who leave things in their hotel rooms after they check out. The article claimed that a woman left her breast implants and that another guest left their kitten. This surprises me because when I travel nothing leaves my suitcase until I'm ready to use it. I have never left anything in a hotel but apparently it happens a lot.
Of course we get the guests who leave a hair brush, lotion, shampoo, and condoms but most guests leave some pretty big ticket items. Here are some of the more interesting things my guests have left in their hotel rooms:
Kindle
When the original Amazon Kindle came out I had a guest who left it in the room, took the charger but left the kindle. They claimed it the next day but if I had just spent over $200 on a device, I am strapping it to my body.
Baby Crib
At least they took the baby! When we called to let them know their reaction was confusing to me.
Guest: Oh did we? Hmm. I really thought we had it. Oh well. Do you want it?
iPad
This wasn't left in a room; it was left in the lobby bathroom. This is something else I wonder about in regards to leaving things behind. A bathroom isn't a hotel room, it's not as large nor does it have anything where an iPad can "hide." Apparently this guest went into the bathroom with their iPad to use it and then got up and left without it. WHAT WAS ENTERTAINING YOU WHILE YOU WERE VIOLATING OUR LOBBY BATHROOM? That's like me going into the bathroom to use it and then leaving without my shirt. If my juggs were covered up when I went in, why aren't they covered up when I leave?
The weird thing about that was when I looked on the iPad to gather information about who it belonged to, I called the woman and she shrugged it off.
Rich Bitch: Oh. Okay. I guess I'll come pick it up. I really didn't notice, didn't think twice about it.
Luggage
I had a woman who left her purse and one bag of luggage in the room. She had gotten home by the time we called her to let her know. When she came back to get it she didn't know how she left it behind. I don't know how she did either. If you leave a few small things, that's understandable; but the things that carry your clothes, wallet, keys, etc you left in a hotel room. I don't carry a purse and I never have but, from my minimal knowledge, that shit is important. Women panic when they think they've lost their purse. So how is it that she was able to go home, get out of her car, into her house, change clothes, and take a nap never realizing that the place where she just came from HAS ALL OF HER SHIT!
Medication
I understand this completely. Pill bottles are small. You can always get a refill or buy more medication but this medication was special.
When the items left behind are big things we try to call the guest but if they leave something like shampoo or Motrin, we mostly let them call us. My manager at the time, Condii, and I didn't know what the pills were for. The name was too long and difficult to pronounce. We looked up the pills to see what were for in order to assess the gravity of the situation. Sure enough they were used to treat an STD.
Okay...you get down with the get down and sometimes you get caught up. Either you're going to end up with a pea in your pod or with your pee burning. But IF YOU FELT THE NEED TO BRING WITH YOU YOUR MEDS THAT TREAT YOUR STD WERE THAT IMPORTANT THEN IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO TAKE THEM BACK HOME WITH YOU! This guys list should have gone as follows:
Keys? Check!
Wallet? Check!
Cell Phone? Check!
Pills that keep my genitals from looking like cauliflower? CHECK CHECK CHECK!
If you think you've packed up/grabbed everything in your hotel room...CHECK AGAIN!
Of course we get the guests who leave a hair brush, lotion, shampoo, and condoms but most guests leave some pretty big ticket items. Here are some of the more interesting things my guests have left in their hotel rooms:
Kindle
When the original Amazon Kindle came out I had a guest who left it in the room, took the charger but left the kindle. They claimed it the next day but if I had just spent over $200 on a device, I am strapping it to my body.
Baby Crib
At least they took the baby! When we called to let them know their reaction was confusing to me.
Guest: Oh did we? Hmm. I really thought we had it. Oh well. Do you want it?
iPad
This wasn't left in a room; it was left in the lobby bathroom. This is something else I wonder about in regards to leaving things behind. A bathroom isn't a hotel room, it's not as large nor does it have anything where an iPad can "hide." Apparently this guest went into the bathroom with their iPad to use it and then got up and left without it. WHAT WAS ENTERTAINING YOU WHILE YOU WERE VIOLATING OUR LOBBY BATHROOM? That's like me going into the bathroom to use it and then leaving without my shirt. If my juggs were covered up when I went in, why aren't they covered up when I leave?
The weird thing about that was when I looked on the iPad to gather information about who it belonged to, I called the woman and she shrugged it off.
Rich Bitch: Oh. Okay. I guess I'll come pick it up. I really didn't notice, didn't think twice about it.
Luggage
I had a woman who left her purse and one bag of luggage in the room. She had gotten home by the time we called her to let her know. When she came back to get it she didn't know how she left it behind. I don't know how she did either. If you leave a few small things, that's understandable; but the things that carry your clothes, wallet, keys, etc you left in a hotel room. I don't carry a purse and I never have but, from my minimal knowledge, that shit is important. Women panic when they think they've lost their purse. So how is it that she was able to go home, get out of her car, into her house, change clothes, and take a nap never realizing that the place where she just came from HAS ALL OF HER SHIT!
Medication
I understand this completely. Pill bottles are small. You can always get a refill or buy more medication but this medication was special.
When the items left behind are big things we try to call the guest but if they leave something like shampoo or Motrin, we mostly let them call us. My manager at the time, Condii, and I didn't know what the pills were for. The name was too long and difficult to pronounce. We looked up the pills to see what were for in order to assess the gravity of the situation. Sure enough they were used to treat an STD.
Okay...you get down with the get down and sometimes you get caught up. Either you're going to end up with a pea in your pod or with your pee burning. But IF YOU FELT THE NEED TO BRING WITH YOU YOUR MEDS THAT TREAT YOUR STD WERE THAT IMPORTANT THEN IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO TAKE THEM BACK HOME WITH YOU! This guys list should have gone as follows:
Keys? Check!
Wallet? Check!
Cell Phone? Check!
Pills that keep my genitals from looking like cauliflower? CHECK CHECK CHECK!
If you think you've packed up/grabbed everything in your hotel room...CHECK AGAIN!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Wedding Hell
Weddings. Never been to one. I'm not sure if I want to. The people in the wedding party are stupid. They are snobs, they are drunk and they are assholes.
The whole idea of getting married is another political debate that I care nothing about BUT I will say that if I were getting married I wouldn't need the theatrics. If you truly love the person you are marrying you would get married to them wearing a towel and a cardboard box as your Vail. Granted, passersby might think you have an addiction problem and that box doubles as your home but screw them, you are living your love song.
People who go through the big nonsense are trying to overcompensate for their shitty husband, bitch of a wife and your illegitimate child/children attending your wedding and making a home in your womb. Unfortunately, I never deal with the happy in love people at work; I only deal with the asshole wedding parties.
Dumbass Bride
One night when I was still working at the office supply store, a bride runs over to the copy center in tears. She had 200 programs for her wedding that needed to be folded. One part was the paper insert and the other part was the heavy cardstock in which they needed to be inserted.
Dumbass Bride: I GOT THESE PRINTED UP AND THEY WEREN'T FOLDED! I NEED THESE FOLDED, MY WEDDING IS TOMORROW!
If you don't know anything about the weight of paper, let me break it down to you: The lower the weight, the lighter the paper. A regular piece of paper that you print on or is in a notebook is 20lb. Cardstock is anywhere between 65lbs and 80lbs. Paper does get heavier than that but most copy places only carry paper that falls in that range. The lighter the paper, the easier it is to fold, cut, etc.
She came in with 200 20lb inserts and 200 80lb covers. I can fold 200 20lb inserts in about 5 minutes. I can fold 200 80lb covers in about 3 1/2 hours. She came into the store at 7:30pm when we closed at 9pm.
Working Girl: I can fold the inserts no problem, I can probably only fold 50 of the covers. We close in a little over an hour.
Dumbass Bride: Whatever you can do. Thank You Thank You!
She left and I folded away, all of the inserts were folded instantly and between having to clean, help other customers and fold for her I got 63 of the covers done in an hour. She comes back in at 8:45.
Working Girl: Well here are your inserts, they are all done and I got more covers done than expected.
Dumbass Bride: The covers aren't folded. This isn't done.
Working Girl: Like I told you an hour ago, this wasn't going to be DONE but I did what I could in the amount of time I was given.
Dumbass Bride: I needed these all done. My wedding is TOMORROW.
Dumbass Bride's Maid of Honor: Her wedding is TOMORROW! These aren't done.
Working Girl: I GOT THAT. But you came in here an hour before the store closed. I stated to you clearly that this cannot be done in an hour.
Dumbass Bride's MOH: You need to give her her money back!
Working Girl: SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR ANYTHING.
Dumbass Bride: So the night before my wedding, I'm supposed to stay up all night and fold these myself!?!?!?
Working Girl (fed up): It's looking that way.
They gather their stuff, take it to customer service and demand a refund. She hands the customer service associate a receipt FROM ANOTHER STORE! Not only were her programs NOT printed in my store, she wanted a refund for something she didn't pay for!
Hopefully Dumbass Bride and the Dumbass Bride's Dumbass Maid of Honor didn't have to "stay up all night before the wedding" folding the covers and if they did, maybe this will be a learning experience for her 2nd, 3rd and 4th marriages.
Taking the Party out of Wedding Parties
Now this is pretty general. I haven't experienced a wedding party that was worse than the other, they are all bad. Wedding parties now consist of Frat Boys and Sorority Sluts who are only attending the wedding to get HAMMERED drunk. I see it every Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Their parents are just as bad and just as drunk.
I experienced a wedding party in the Summer of 2012 where all of the groomsmen parked in all of the handicapped spaces because they "don't see anyone handicapped around."
I had a wedding party a few years ago where the bride's bridesmaids and maid of honor waited until the day before the wedding to make hotel reservations and then were upset when they called to find out that the hotel was sold out and we wouldn't cancel other people's reservations.
I had a wedding party YESTERDAY that stood by the automatic door, complaining that it kept opening whenever they would move and therefore they would get cold while waiting for the shuttle that that bride and groom set up that was late to pick them up. They also kept asking the front desk when the shuttle that has no affiliation with the hotel was going to show up and copped an attitude when I told them the bride and groom set up a private shuttle.
Apparently when you attend a wedding or you are a part of a wedding your IQ drops significantly. I will not be attending a wedding anytime soon, I've got shit I need to accomplish.
The whole idea of getting married is another political debate that I care nothing about BUT I will say that if I were getting married I wouldn't need the theatrics. If you truly love the person you are marrying you would get married to them wearing a towel and a cardboard box as your Vail. Granted, passersby might think you have an addiction problem and that box doubles as your home but screw them, you are living your love song.
People who go through the big nonsense are trying to overcompensate for their shitty husband, bitch of a wife and your illegitimate child/children attending your wedding and making a home in your womb. Unfortunately, I never deal with the happy in love people at work; I only deal with the asshole wedding parties.
Dumbass Bride
One night when I was still working at the office supply store, a bride runs over to the copy center in tears. She had 200 programs for her wedding that needed to be folded. One part was the paper insert and the other part was the heavy cardstock in which they needed to be inserted.
Dumbass Bride: I GOT THESE PRINTED UP AND THEY WEREN'T FOLDED! I NEED THESE FOLDED, MY WEDDING IS TOMORROW!
If you don't know anything about the weight of paper, let me break it down to you: The lower the weight, the lighter the paper. A regular piece of paper that you print on or is in a notebook is 20lb. Cardstock is anywhere between 65lbs and 80lbs. Paper does get heavier than that but most copy places only carry paper that falls in that range. The lighter the paper, the easier it is to fold, cut, etc.
She came in with 200 20lb inserts and 200 80lb covers. I can fold 200 20lb inserts in about 5 minutes. I can fold 200 80lb covers in about 3 1/2 hours. She came into the store at 7:30pm when we closed at 9pm.
Working Girl: I can fold the inserts no problem, I can probably only fold 50 of the covers. We close in a little over an hour.
Dumbass Bride: Whatever you can do. Thank You Thank You!
She left and I folded away, all of the inserts were folded instantly and between having to clean, help other customers and fold for her I got 63 of the covers done in an hour. She comes back in at 8:45.
Working Girl: Well here are your inserts, they are all done and I got more covers done than expected.
Dumbass Bride: The covers aren't folded. This isn't done.
Working Girl: Like I told you an hour ago, this wasn't going to be DONE but I did what I could in the amount of time I was given.
Dumbass Bride: I needed these all done. My wedding is TOMORROW.
Dumbass Bride's Maid of Honor: Her wedding is TOMORROW! These aren't done.
Working Girl: I GOT THAT. But you came in here an hour before the store closed. I stated to you clearly that this cannot be done in an hour.
Dumbass Bride's MOH: You need to give her her money back!
Working Girl: SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR ANYTHING.
Dumbass Bride: So the night before my wedding, I'm supposed to stay up all night and fold these myself!?!?!?
Working Girl (fed up): It's looking that way.
They gather their stuff, take it to customer service and demand a refund. She hands the customer service associate a receipt FROM ANOTHER STORE! Not only were her programs NOT printed in my store, she wanted a refund for something she didn't pay for!
Hopefully Dumbass Bride and the Dumbass Bride's Dumbass Maid of Honor didn't have to "stay up all night before the wedding" folding the covers and if they did, maybe this will be a learning experience for her 2nd, 3rd and 4th marriages.
Taking the Party out of Wedding Parties
Now this is pretty general. I haven't experienced a wedding party that was worse than the other, they are all bad. Wedding parties now consist of Frat Boys and Sorority Sluts who are only attending the wedding to get HAMMERED drunk. I see it every Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Their parents are just as bad and just as drunk.
I experienced a wedding party in the Summer of 2012 where all of the groomsmen parked in all of the handicapped spaces because they "don't see anyone handicapped around."
I had a wedding party a few years ago where the bride's bridesmaids and maid of honor waited until the day before the wedding to make hotel reservations and then were upset when they called to find out that the hotel was sold out and we wouldn't cancel other people's reservations.
I had a wedding party YESTERDAY that stood by the automatic door, complaining that it kept opening whenever they would move and therefore they would get cold while waiting for the shuttle that that bride and groom set up that was late to pick them up. They also kept asking the front desk when the shuttle that has no affiliation with the hotel was going to show up and copped an attitude when I told them the bride and groom set up a private shuttle.
Apparently when you attend a wedding or you are a part of a wedding your IQ drops significantly. I will not be attending a wedding anytime soon, I've got shit I need to accomplish.
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